golden longings

XXXIII

***

For a while, they just silently observed one another. Watching each other shift uncomfortably under the gaze of the other.
Draco could see that something was still troubling Harry, but that he was struggling to pick up a conversation again. Until he did.

"Why did you avoid me then?"
No matter that he apologized, Draco still heard the hurt in his voice. Even if tiny and attempted to hide away. And he wasn't mad that Harry didn't imideately believe him.
If he was in the other position, he was certain he would not have believed himself.

"I promise you it was not because of..."
He didn't have the courage to say the words, so he tired again.
"Not because of when we..."
His voice left him again. The word seemed to not want to leave his mouth. But Draco knew he needed to say it. If only to appease Harry, whose frown was intensifying again.
"It wasn't because we kissed."

Even if it sounded as pressed and forced as it was, his lips finally obeyed to form the word.
He chuckled nervously in an attempt to brush over his initial inability to say the word 'kiss'.
Draco felt bad for the way he acted. Even if it hadn't been his intention, he saw how easily his behaviour could have been misinterpreted in the way that it was.

At the same time, he felt a little relieved. All the dramatic outcomes he had imagined, all the hurtful things he had expected to hear and the rejection he had braced himself for, none of that had been the reason for their meeting.
Which Draco found himself to be glad about.

But he didn't quite know what to say. Because he didn't want to reveal the real reason he avoided Harry either. He figured that would be similarly uncomfortable.
Although, he couldn't help but wonder about how much Harry had thought their kiss, and his behavious following that. It had to have been a lot if it lead him to initiate this meeting between them.

Harry cleared his throat.
"Why then? Did you really not think it would feel like that to me?"

"Merlin, I didn't expect you to give it that much thought!"
Draco responded before he had the time to think it over. He felt like prolonging answers would only nourish the tension between them.
Although his voice was not raised significantly, his enunciation was the same as if he had screamed the words.

Draco was torn between feeling guilty for apparently having made Harry feel bad and still being offended about the manner in which he was approached in the hallway.
Which was why his tone sounded a little snappy.
His counterpart seemed to experience a similar struggle, between wanting to accept the apology and being offended about being ignored.
Which lead to a strange tension in the air between them.

"Why wouldn't I think about it, don't you?"
The question felt like a trap to Draco. Because it was asked so offensively, as if meant to put him km the spot. In which it was successful.
Harry was tapping his foot to the floor, making a rhythmic noise that reminded Draco of every passing half second that he took longer to find an appropriate response.

"I do. Not much.-"
He took a deep breath between the hastily stuttered out words.
"I mean maybe sometimes. You can, of course, I was just-"
Draco felt exactly like he had on sunday morning, when he had encountered Potter. His words failed him just the same. As if someone had wiped his memory clean of every sensible word he had once known.

"Yes I've given it thought, okay?"
He finally settled, as he felt that no better alternative would come out of his mouth. While he still avoided to answer why he didn't expect Harry to think about it much. Because he didn't have a clear answer to that.
Except for the obvious one, Draco's past, which he felt was so very obvious that it was beneath him to bring it up.