Already Gone

Christmas Time Is Here

Before Stella was born, Christmas was never a big deal.

   Sure, I didn't remember the first few Christmases of my life, still being a baby and all, but I remembered being five and going back to school after the holiday break.

   Our teacher told everyone to sit in a circle and one by one, share our favourite moment of the holidays. I was in awe at all the magical-sounding activities everyone had experienced, from sledding to baking cookies, it was beyond anything my five-year-old brain could ever imagine. 

   A memory from that day that vividly sticks out to me though was when it was my turn to share what I had done. I remember looking around at all my classmates, carefully studying their anticipating faces. 

"My daddy helped me make snowmans."

   Those were the exact words of my big fat lie. I knew I was lying and I knew that nobody would know so I lied. I wanted to feel like I was just like everyone else. I wanted my family to be like everyone else's. 

   I had never even met my father before that day...and I haven't met him since either. I never knew him but I would miss him, mostly when I was alone at night when my mother went out. 

   As I got older though, and Stella made her appearance in my life, the hole in my heart from my absent father hurt less and less. It never filled, but I became accustomed to it. 

   I was ten when I decided that Stella needed the holiday experience that I missed out on. I would make paper chains and hang them from door to door and learned how to make paper snowflakes. I was ten when I stole money from my mother so that I could buy something for Stella to open on Christmas morning. 

   It wasn't long before Stella learned that the holiday season was an incredibly special time. Last year, I had taken her into town and we admired all the fancy window decorations in each shop front. She begged me to take her to the sledding hill after and even though we didn't have a sled, I agreed.

   We got lucky and met a nice lady who convinced her son to share his sled with Stella and we ended up spending the rest of the afternoon there until the nice lady and her son had to leave. 

   I remember walking home with Stella's mitted hand tightly grasped in mine as we tried not to slip on the icy sidewalk. Stella's cheeks were rosy and her nose was red and dripping from the cold. 

"I love Christmastime," She sighed and leaned against me as we walked, "I wish the next year Christmas came faster."

"I promise it'll be here before you know it," I replied, smiling down at her, "And then we can do this all over again."

And now, she'll never see "the next year Christmas".

"Summer?" 

   I nearly jumped out of my skin as the sharp knocks on the bedroom door snapped me out of my trance.

"Are you almost ready?" Arizona called out.

   I swallowed and looked down at myself to see that I was still in pyjamas. 

"Um...not exactly," I replied, my voice shaking as my eyes started to tear up.

   There was a pause of silence as I stood in the bedroom. I wasn't sure what was going on the other side of the door but a few moments later, Callie's voice rang out. 

"Can we come in?"

   I nodded, "Yeah..."

   The door creaked open and Callie walked in, followed by Arizona. Today was Christmas Eve, and both of them were somewhat dressed up for the Christmas party that Meredith and Derek were hosting. I was supposed to be getting ready as well and I was...until I got sidetracked.