Already Gone

When I Look At You

   The moment we walked into the apartment, I collided into Callie and Arizona's arms, needing them to hold me before anything else happened.

"I thought we were going to win," I admitted quietly, "I thought they would let me stay with you guys."

   I wasn't sure what I expected them to say in return. To be honest, I didn't really expect them to say anything. 

"It's going to be okay," Callie told me but I could hear the hesitancy in her voice. 

It wasn't going to be okay.

"We talked to your aunt and she agreed to stay in contact," Arizona said in a soothing tone, "Maybe Callie and I can get some time off work and visit you in LA this summer."

Visit.

Me. 

In LA.

"That sounds great," I nodded numbly, my voice dry, even though I meant what I said, "So when's she coming to take me?"

Take me away from Arizona and Callie.

   I didn't even bother trying to contain myself as my body started to shake, heavy sobs escaping my lips. I squeezed my eyes tightly together, my chest rising and falling rapidly with each cry.

"It's okay, let it all out," Arizona rubbed my shoulders gently, "It's going to be okay."

   I shook my head but I was crying too hard to string together any words coherently. It wasn't going to be okay. Everything I had done was because of Callie and Arizona. They were the reason that I was still alive. 

   I mentally cursed at myself for becoming so dependent on them. This was why I always ran. If something seems too good to be true, then it probably isn't true. 

   I should have run when I had the chance. None of this would have happened. I wouldn't be hurting. Arizona and Callie wouldn't be hurting. I should have known that running was always the right choice. 

"She said she had some stuff to sort out," Callie answered my previous question when my sobs turned into tiny sniffles, "She should be here in a few hours."

"Do I say good-bye now?" I asked, my voice slightly bitter. I couldn't help it. 

   Arizona smiled sadly, "It's not good-bye Summer. I promise. We'll stay in touch."

   I thread my fingers through my hair, tossing it away from my face, "It's not the same..."

"I know, but...look at me," Callie's voice was stern but kind as she crouched in front of me and placed her hands on either side of my face, "You're right, it's not the same...but it's better than nothing right? You've come so far Summer, this is just another challenge that you're going to overcome."

"I've only come this far because of you guys," I mumbled and my eyes drifted to the floor, "I can't do anything without you two, it's pathetic."

   Arizona came into view as well now as she placed a hand on my back, guiding me to the couch. I took a seat without having to be told, instantly latching my arms around one of the throw pillows for comfort. 

"Summer, everything you have accomplished is because of you," Callie told me firmly, "You chose to get clean. You chose to do well in school."

"You chose to call me that night at the party when they took out the drugs," Arizona added, "You could have easily taken them but you didn't."

   The guilt and frustration were piling on now and I knew I was reaching my breaking point. You can only suppress everything for so long. 

"I only did that for you!" I let out a strangled scream, "I've been trying to be good for you. As if in some way it could repay you for everything you've done for me! You saved me and all I have to do be good."