Already Gone

How Far I'll Go

"Do you have your lunch ready?" Arizona asked me while I was eating breakfast.

   I nodded, "You watched me make it, remember?"

"Oh, that's right," Arizona laughed at herself, "I guess the nerves are getting to me."

The nerves were getting to all of us.

   Two weeks after I had that awkward meeting with the principal of my new school, I was finally starting my first day there.

Unfortunately.

   I thought that I would be more excited, but I wasn't. Mind you, I also didn't know too many students who were excited to go to school so maybe this was the beginning of being normal.

Or maybe that's just what I was telling myself.

   I was starting to lose it. Losing the ability to fool my mind. I could no longer burn such a thought into my brain that I would actually believe it. 

   It was kind of sad, really. I missed being able to do that, I missed the comfort that used to bring me.

   I finished up my breakfast and went to get ready for the "big day" as Callie and Arizona kept calling it. I wasn't sure why. Sure, it was a "big day" for me, but at the same time, it wasn't like I had never gone to school before.

"Okay! Do we have everything?" Callie asked.

   We were running a bit late which led to a lot of franticness. 

"I think so," I said, swinging my new backpack over one shoulder.

"Okay!" Arizona clapped her hands together, "Let's get going then."

   The entire car ride to school, Callie and Arizona were excitedly talking about the fact that I was going to high school. Once in a while, I'd give an "mhm" or "yeah", but the majority of the time I was blankly staring out at scenery flying by.

It reminded me a little bit of the bus ride.

   But I wasn't alone anymore, and that thought terrified me even more than when I had nobody and was alone in Seattle.

   I barely even noticed when Callie pulled the car into the school parking lot, only realizing where I was when I saw some teenagers laughing as they headed towards the building.

   Sitting up, I suddenly started getting cold feet about this whole going to school idea. My stomach clenched with anxiety and I bit my lip, rubbing it against my two front teeth.

"You ready?"

   I tore my gaze away from the teenagers walking to look at Callie and Arizona who were smiling back at me.

"I don't know..." I mumbled, looking back at the teenagers who were walking into the building now, still laughing.

"Hey," Arizona said softly, catching my attention, "You got this!"

"Yeah?" I asked skeptically. 

   Callie nodded, "Of course you do! You've tackled a lot harder things Summer, you've got this in the bag."

   I still didn't feel very confident but I managed to give Callie and Arizona a smile before reaching over and grabbing my backpack.

"Okay...well," I took a deep breath, "I'll see you later then."

"Don't forget-" Arizona started to remind me but I beat her to the punch.

"You'll meet me in the front parking lot at the end of school," I chuckled, "You've got that engraved in my brain at this point."

   I didn't blame them for not trusting me to be alone in the apartment but it was a little much that they also needed to escort me to the hospital. 

   Or maybe it wasn't, because if I really thought about it, long and hard, I wasn't sure what I would do if I was suddenly given the freedom to go anywhere.

   Callie laughed, "Have a good day at school okay?"

"I'll try," I promised, not wanting to guarantee too much.

   I swung open the car door and hopped out, careful of my knee that was healing. I was still using crutches but with physical therapy, was starting to put more weight on my injured knee. 

   Swinging my backpack over one shoulder once again, I gave Callie and Arizona a little wave before gently shutting the car door.

   Even though I kept my head down and my eyes trained on the ground, I could see other students in my peripheral vision and could practically hear their whispers about me and feel their eyes burning into my back.

   It was probably all in my head actually but I couldn't help myself. I was so convinced that everyone already hated me and there was nothing that could change that.

   Somehow, I managed to make my way to homeroom without getting lost or getting into any kind of trouble. A real shocker actually.

   I wasn't sure if there was some sort of seating plan but it didn't look like it so I picked a spot at the back of the class before silently judging the other kids in the room.

   A boy was sitting on a desk, surrounded by a few other students. They were laughing and punching each other. 

   A group of girls were huddled at another desk, whispering about something. Once in a while, I'd notice that their eyes would dart over to me, but I would never look back at them.

   After a while, I started getting restless and began tracing shapes on the top of my hand. Did it always take this long for a teacher to show up or was the time just going by slower because I was so nervous?

   I was ready to get up and leave the school when an older woman walked in, her graying hair tied back in a scruffy bun. She must have had a lot of authority here because almost immediately, the laughter and whispering stopped and everyone got into a seat at one of the desks.

"Alright! Good morning," The woman, who I was presuming was my homeroom teacher, took a seat at her desk, "Before I do attendance, I have a special announcement. As some of you might have noticed, we have a new student starting with us today. Why don't you introduce yourself?"

   I stared dumbly back, not realizing that she was addressing me when she said to introduce yourself.

"Oh um..." I let out an awkward cough, "Hi, my name is Summer."

   I think the teacher was expecting me to keep talking, tell more about myself, but I didn't want to so I shut my mouth and she nodded.

"That's a nice name, Summer," She smiled politely at me, "My name is Mrs. Martin...I hope you have a wonderful first day."

   I forced a strangled smile in response and quietly mumbled a "thank you".

"Okay, well, everyone, make sure you make Summer feel extra welcomed today," She looked at everyone in the class, including me, giving us a stern look. "Great! Now let's start the day!"

   She took attendance and the moment she passed my name, I zoned out, not on purpose. I didn't listen to a word she said and only realized that we were heading off to our first class when the other students got up and started walking out of the classroom.

   Keeping my head down, I grabbed my crutches and hobbled out the room, trailing behind the other kids.

This was going to be a very long day.