cover you up

one•her

How was I supposed to react?

Was I expected to get up, put on her old dress, and attend a ceremony two days after? No, I could never.

Not much else has passed, other than the chaos that's occurring as my grandmother tries to pull together the remains of our broken family; an alcoholic mother, a mute son, and a suicidal daughter.

Well, suicidal isn't exactly the word I just don't really care for anything.

Look up suicidal in the dictionary and you might find:

su·i·cid·al (so͞oəˈsīdl)

being deeply unhappy or depressed and likely to commit suicide.
or

relating to or likely to lead to suicide

The unhappy and depressed feelings may apply.

After the last of the trucks came by, I was only left with a few of her things. Jewelry goes to mother and the legendary stereo goes to Dan. I settled with her stuffed penguin that matches mine, the ones we bought with our first paper route money. I take her framed photo of Pierce the Veils first cover on alternative press and the old Led Zeppelin t-shirt she's been wearing since 2003. Cassie actually wore it once to church when we were young, back when my mother pretended she actually believed in God. She scolded us and asked, "do you want to go to hell?" and at that point I would give up, not daring to take that chance.

--

It's been a week.

I've kicked two holes in her old door.

I've ripped off every poster.

I've even smashed her stupid fucking aloe plant on the windowsill in the living room-everything is a mess.

Why did god take my sister?

Fuck you.

Now no one is paying the fucking rent.

Now no one is holding my hand when things get rough.

Now my sister is gone,

and I've never felt so alone.

I've spent the past few nights living off morning star, vegetarian shit food. It's mostly freezer burnt, that was her bad habit, leaving things open. Well, that, and lying to me.

God my phone won't stop blowing up. Wait, there I go again using Gods name. Have I said fuck you enough yet?

Aaron has called me half a dozen times. He says all of Cassie's friends are throwing a sort of bonfire in my sisters honor tomorrow night at some kids cabin. Or in my words, some sort of Catholic mourning type shit. I've never felt so far from God. Aaron's going to make me go though. There's a new hole in my wall.

--

Sure enough, 8 o' fucking clock and there is a knock at my door. I have my things packed. I'm ready. His eyes scan the holes in the walls and doors. I tell him, "its my new decor."

"Stop fighting, it wont bring her back."

"I'm not hurting anyone."

"But yourself..."

"No it doesn't hurt me, it helps me; Gives me control."

"Control like that will only drive you mad."

"I would rather be mad than feel like this." At this point, I'm scared of cracking. I haven't even had a full conversation since it happened. All of this is too much... how do I get out?

I feel suffocated.

My hands are shaking.

I need to be done with this topic, it's the only thing I hear in my brain.

She's dead, she's dead, she's dead.

Hell no, oh fuck this.

I just need to tell him to shut up.

"Lets leave, please." I say quickly.

"Will you be okay?"

"Please."

"Okay."

--

When we arrive its dark and there are thirty or so people lazing around a campfire drinking red wine. Speeches are presented and nearly everyone cries.

Gretchen, a girl we befriended in junior high wouldn't stop sobbing. The poor girl, she was a bigger mess than I was... than I am. Just maybe.

Dominique, Cassie's ex boy friend from two years ago says he wishes he would have treated her better, that such a kind heart deserved better. Aaron stared him down as if silently whispering, "It wasn't you, it was me. I fixed the mess you left."

Gregory, her first prom date, describes the way she dances and how no one can live up to her. She fell for that boy, she used to tell me he was such a gentleman, until he left her for some skank in a mini skirt, that's what always happened to her.

Aaron says simple things like, "yeah she was great" because he's like me, knowing there isn't really much you can say when something like this happens to someone like her.

There's unresolved feelings in the air and the tension is unbearable. Maybe i'll go for a quick dip in the water?