cover you up

nineteen•her

When I say it feels like forever, think longer.
--
There is still that nagging in my heart and it burns. But I know I'm doing the right thing. I knew I was doing the right thing when Eli started to only come about two hours a day compared to his 4-6 hour periods in the beginning. I knew this is what has to happen, because if what he says is true... if I'm his person, he has to leave me. I'm only strong enough to glide the door, so he has to shut it. The only way he'll leave is if he does it first.
--
I get out tomorrow but only because I found out you can gain quick pounds by drinking a shit ton of water. We're getting closer to one hundred pounds! Is this actually something to celebrate? I was literally handed a cupcake with 95 written on the top in pretty, pink frosting by my nurse. She told me it was an achievement, but I don't feel the same. Gretchen has to supervise me for a week or so, or until I get into an actual pattern of eating regularly.
--
Your last day in a hospital is painfully awkward. People stare. In their minds you're being stabbed over and over and over again. I especially know this, because recently I've been doing the same. A long period of time in such a small pathetic cramped place, it causes resent.
--
Today I'm leaving, I've got nothing to pack other than a few things they gave me for the recovery. Throughout the process, I have come to accept the fact that I'm purposefully starving myself, but not to be skinny; to die.

At this point I'm done. I had an okay life, but God decided I didn't matter anymore, so he left me alone with no hope left to grab hold to.

I can take my time, maybe I'll blame it on him, I don't care much when, but just that I do.
--
I have so many fucking hospital bills to pay and some dipshit keeps ringing my doorbell. I stomp through the hallway to the outdated front door in my mess I call a house, half expecting Eli, the other half wondering "who the hell doesn't know the code?" I buzz them up, not even asking who is. I probably should have, because my mother stormed into my apartment.

"You aren't answering your phone?" not quite expecting that.

"I was in the hospital, mum."

"Yeah. I know." she exclaimed, sharply.

"And you didn't even bother coming to see if I was okay?"

"See? I came all the way to Leed, to the hospital to find you were sinning, I knew you never really believed in God but at least have the decency to not be a slut in public." I scoffed.

"You wanna talk about decency mom? Decency is calling every once in a while. Decency is packing up your dead daughters things and not leaving the job to the weakest person in the family. Decency is not calling me a slut because I have someone and you don't. Decency is making sure your children aren't hurting themselves. Oh, I know I'm not decent, I know I'm not what you expected, I know I'm a lot of things. But you? You're not a fucking saint either."

"You and your sister weren't going to change. I knew you'd end up this way. I always knew there was nothing I could do. Anorexic, Elana? Really? You can do better."

"What's better? How about killing myself?"

"Go ahead."

"Fuck you."

"You wont see Dan anymore."

"What? Mum, I'm sorry. I take it back... p-please don't do this he's my brother!"

"Fucking freak." she said before walking out and closing the door, there was no slam, no emotion. She made her peace with me and it was finally over. I felt like hell.
--
I wrote Eli one last letter.

Dear Eli,

I know you may feel like I mean something, but I don't. I'm nothing and you are everything. I know you never wanted to run a silly shop. I know one day you will write a book and some woman on the street will recognize you and tell you how much your words mean to her, and i know one day you'll fall for her maybe as hard as I did for you. And God, I hope you do, it would mean so much to know you'll be okay. But I'm leaving today, forever because everything has collapsed too much to put back together. You were my glue and that wasn't fair to you.

Please play that song I told you to for Gretchen. Please tell Aaron to fix Danny... and please don't be sad.

I love you.

~Elana

I left the letter on the counter and walked a few blocks to the bridge.