cover you up

nine•her

It started pouring rain while I was walking home, but I didn't bring an umbrella. Basically I was just walking in the pounding rain wearing stockings and a dress, looking like a fucking idiot. I still had a thirty minute walk ahead of me and I just had so much shit on my mind. So I decided to take a seat on the closest bench.

What am I even doing?

"H- hey Cass." my voice was shaky. This is stupid.

"I- I miss you like crazy. I'm sorry for t-that time I said I hated you....fuck....I don't know what I'm doing." I ran my fingertips through my damp hair. "I know exactly what you'd say though. You'd tell me 'suck it up El, tell him you love him.' and then we'd fight and I'd say I don't love him when we both know I do. A-and then... tell me what would happen then... Cass, please... please..." I sat like that curled up, crying, and repeating 'please' over and over on end for who knows how long. Then a sudden thought occurred. I needed someone who wouldn't judge me right now. A girl.

I texted Gretchen and asked her to pick me up. She was there in minutes with a frown on her face. I climbed into her well kept Cherokee, there was no garbage at my feet and no smell of nicotine, it was new to me, but I loved that it smelled like lemon, it was comforting. She turned only her head to look at me.

"Oh El..." she put her arm around me. and twisted the ends of my hair in circles.

"I'm sorry, I probably look like a zombie..." I apologized, gesturing to my heavy raccoon eyes.

"C'mon lets get you home." we drove off and she would look over at me every single red light to make sure I was okay. I'm pretty lucky to have her and Aaron to lean on. When we got to my apartment she asked if I wanted her to stay and I begged her to. She didn't need begging though, Gretchen actually meant the offer.

I let her borrow some of Cassies old clothes, figuring they'd fit her better and I decided to laze around in Aladdin boxers, sweat pants and a sports bra. Gretchen giggled at my choice of clothes. We spent most of the night talking about what's happening in my life, she told me I need to forgive and that I have to learn to love myself. She had me eat a shit ton of Chinese food and yelled 'good!' every time I told her I was full. She was goofy and I really enjoyed her bubbly personality. For the night, she brightened up my sad apartment. Gretchen feel asleep on my couch but I couldn't stop my mind from going. I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote Eli a letter.

"Dear Eli,

I'm writing this letter in case one day you're packing up my things and wondering why. To be quite straight forward with you I think I'd like to die. Nothing bloody or messy, a simple bridge will do. I've thought about it so much that I can't stop. I have this obsession with leaving. I have this obsession with seeing Cassie again. I hope you'll forget about me after a while. I'm not that memorable so that should be easy. I'd like you to play the song 'Never Gone' for my service, tell Gretchen it's for her. And tell Aaron to fix Dan so he doesn't end up like Cassie and I. I hope you have a good life... if I'm not there to see it and Eli,

I fell for you."

I didn't cry while writing it. My tears are running low these days. To put it shortly, I'm running on empty air and suicidal wishes.