Residues

Chapter 21

We lay looking at the stars in my bedroom. Rihan was silent.

I began to think about why I loved him. Or do I even love him...

I slept with him. When he started kissing me, my mind did go blank and I wanted him. But... could that have been just lust? Me who had missed sex for such a long time... Did I want sex so badly that when he offered it to me, I did not care that it was Rihan. Or was it because it was Rihan. Because I trusted Rihan. Because I knew Rihan. And I liked who Rihan was as a person.

I feel it was the latter. I would not have slept with some random guy even if I was desperate for some physical intimacy. But... because it was Rihan. Because it was my really close best friend.

But I was getting uneasy. I am scared. The thought of losing him. The thought of ending up alone. And having to bear the burden of not one, but two guys that I lost forever... to go back to the loneliness that gnawed me for the past years scared me. And it was a genuine fear.

Also, honestly, Rihan was a nice catch. He was a nice guy... I actually had got the jackpot. As if I was walking and I stumbled on a box full of gold. I may not be able to find a box of gold again.

But that box of gold once belonged to someone else. Is it okay for me to take it and call it mine? I felt like a thief.

"What are you thinking?" Rehan asked me.

"The glow in the dark stars are actually very distracting," I said. "I can't sleep because of them."

"Should we take them down?"

"No. They are pretty."

He looked at me. And pulled me closer and I turned around, so natural as if we have done this a lot of times, even when it has just been a couple of weeks.

He moved his hand through my hair. "I like your hair." He whispered.

I smiled. But inside I translated: I like your hair more than Suhani's?? or... What?

He pulled me closer to sleep. But I could feel he was uncomfortable. So I turned around. He instantly was more comfortable. We spooned and slept. And I wondered why this is his more preferred posture.

And I realised that I hate to think like that each second.

In the morning Rihan was getting ready. "let's do something tonight." He said. "You know like a proper date 'date'. I know you do not like an extravagant thing, but how about a candlelight dinner at least." He was trying extra hard.

"Rihan."

"Okay, Let's drop the candlelight. Dinner at least. Outside at some nice restaurant. How about that?"

"Rihan."

"Hm?"

"Go meet Suhani."

Colour drained from his face. I continued, "She was very sad. She may need you." He looked pained. Like he felt bad that I had to say this.

"I don't want to," he sounded like a scared child. And looked up at me as if to say 'please don't make me'.

"Rihan..." I called. This is inevitable. He belongs there. But a part of me wished that he would not go. But I could see that I convinced him to go. That hurt.

At the office, I could not concentrate on work.

Would they have met by now? It was about 12 pm. They may have... Something felt stuck inside me. I mentally kicked myself to have asked him to go. Knowing he may never come back...

It was just two weeks – I said to myself. He was mine for just two weeks. He was hers for 13 years. You have no right over him. Do you actually even love him?

I do. Why else would this hurt so much? Is it just because I don't want to go back to my old life of loneliness? I don't know. He is making me wish this last forever. He is making me wish if he was mine... He is making me wish if Suhani never existed.

And I felt that is such an evil thought and hated myself for that.

I felt tearful.

That is exactly when my phone rang. I thought it may be Rihan, but it was Vishwa. We don't hang out much together because he is busy dating.

"Hey, Ishi... Guess what?"

"What?"

"What's wrong with your voice?"

"Nothing." I wiped my tears.

"Are you crying...?"

"No" I expected him to make any joke about me crying.

"What happened?" His voice went so tender. Suddenly I could not hold it in anymore. Vishwa's concern made me so fragile. "Ishi...?" He called.

"I fucked up. I did a major fuck up."

"Like in office work?"

"No..."

"Okay. Okay..." He said. "Let's meet. Meet and talk."

I was sitting with my head down when Vishwa showed up at the restaurant. He slid down to the chair in front of me. "What is wrong? Are you pregnant?"

"Huh?"

"Please tell me you are not pregnant."

"Vishwa, I am not pregnant." I smiled through my tears.

"Oh! Thank god." He let out a big breath. "Then what is wrong?" He sat closer.

I hesitated. But then... "I... I slept with Rihan."

Vishwa's eyes went wide. He jumped up. "WHAT?" The whole restaurant looked at us. "Vishwa..."

"Oh. Sorry... But WHAT...." He sat down. "Dude... That is insane." He still looked so perplexed. "This is so fucked up..." He turned to me. "Have you gone mental? Rihan is Suhani's. I mean I know they are broken up and all. But do you think that is going to last? Let's see how much Suhani dates that other dude. The moment they break up... you will see. Rihan is going to go back to her wagging his tail."

He was making me more nervous and scared.

"Hey... You just slept with him, na? You are not in love with him or anything?" Vishwa asked hopefully. "It was a mistake, one-night stand type of thing?"

I shook my head. "It was not once. We were kind of together for the past two weeks. And yesterday...Suhani broke up with her boyfriend."

Vishwa's mouth fell open.

I wiped my tear. "He will probably go back, right?"

"Oh! You poor poor girl." Vishwa said.

"He said he loved me though," I added, just telling myself, trying to reassure myself.

Chapter 21.5

I did not go

I felt if I go there, I would not be able to return

And that scared me