Mrs. Avery

Chapter 4

On the very top was a dark blue spiral bound notebook with the color worn off in several places across the cover. She held it for a few moments knowing Momma had held it so many times. She expected to feel a comfort from that knowledge, but nothing came of it. It just felt like a notebook with all the bad things in it. All the bad things that Momma was ready for and Aggie was surprisingly not.

Tears began to run down Aggie's face knowing that she put Momma through this by herself when Molly died and she felt like a monster for it. She felt like she deserved to be alone for this. She had abandoned all of them and this was the universe making her pay it back.

She tried to wipe away the tears so she could see more clearly, but they just kept coming so she opened the notebook and tried to read what she could.

On the very first page Momma had only written a few words: I knew you would remember, baby. I love you and it's all going to be okay. I promise.

The tears fell at a greater rate and covered her face as they dripped to stain the pages. She tried to keep the sobbing to minimum even though she knew she could be as loud as she wanted and no one would hear it, but as someone that hated crying she tried to trap it inside as much as she could.

On the pages that followed were the funeral plans, which funeral home to call, how many death certificates to request in order to close accounts, and every password Momma ever had. There was a note on where to find a copy of her will. On the last page of passwords, there was a note at the bottom that read: I think that's everything.

And then at the very back was an apology.

I hope you're not finding out this way. I hope you already know and I just forgot to rip this page out. When Molly and Chris died, I took custody of Julianna and Liam. James is still working on school and can't possibly have 2 kids in a small apartment like that plus I miss the chaos of my girls. Don't be angry, baby. I know I lied, but I couldn't have you trying to force James to take them or trying to force them away from me. If I die raising babies, that's exactly the way I want to go. I never want to be the woman sitting in a rocker waiting to die.

Be kind to James, he's hurting too. And give my grandbabies all the love. I can't imagine this will be easy for them or you. So please try not to be angry. I didn't want to lie to you, but I couldn't have you worrying or feeling bad. You already felt so bad about leaving like you did and then not being able to come back when Molly and Chris died. I hated that we didn't have a chance to be a big family again, but I also understood. I certainly wasn't one to be trapped either and I committed far worse sins in my wake, but then I got my girls. And I like to think that God was forgiving me. And just to prove it, he gave me a baby that was too much like me so that I could help her in the ways that I needed help. But then again, I guess you came back to rescue me too. I think God or the universe or whatever you want to call it, baby, I think he is so much more forgiving than we give him credit for and I think he made you the way you are for a reason. And I don't think you need to hate yourself. Forgive yourself for what happened with Molly. If that's the last thing you can do for me, I want you to forgive yourself.

Aggie began to uncontrollably sob. "I'm trying Momma." She whispered to the pages, but it just came out as jumbled noises. She pulled her legs up and began to cry into them. When she couldn't get control of the crying she lashed out. "God dammit, James!" she screamed and kicked the box away. "How could you fucking do this to her?" The contents of the box spilling out on to the floor seemed to stop her in her tracks. She immediately went crawling after Momma's notebook.

"No, no, no." she muttered and wiped her face with her sleeve. She continued to mutter and pull the papers back into a stack. In the process she found custody papers of Julianna and Liam. "Oh God." She groaned and almost started to bounce slightly on her knees. She knew it was all true, but seeing these things, somehow seeing them made it worse. She put it all back in the box with light fingers, but held on to Momma's notebook. She held it to her chest and then lay back down on the floor and waited for the tears to stop coming. She couldn't fight it anymore.