Mrs. Avery

Chapter 24

Happiness is a strange thing to be faced with, to stand in a mirror and ask yourself: Am I happy? At any given moment, what would your answer really be?

Agnes had struggled with this a lot in the last few years. It would take one moment of standing in front of that mirror for her to realize that her sister should be standing next to her. It became increasingly hard in the years that followed as she began to pass her sister's age. Everyday felt like a stolen moment, something that Molly and Chris never had. Back then she had Evan and he was so distant from all of that. She wrapped herself in their existence and it didn't include Nile.

He used to walk in on her in the middle of a mental break down. He had nothing to offer in those moments because he didn't share the grief, but he would pick her up and hold her. And sometimes that was all she could stand. He tried asking one time and Agnes retracted so abruptly that he never asked again. And in a weird way, that made her love him more. He learned bits and pieces, but he never dug for more. She needed him to be this separate piece of her life and he was content to have her that way. He was so important and now he was gone.

And of course this was all rolling through Agnes's mind as she climbed the steps to her high school sweetheart's house toting two children that her sister should be raising. She wondered if she was going to fall apart before she even got through the door, but then Pam answered.

She pulled Agnes in for a hug like Agnes didn't destroy their family and Agnes felt relief in it, but it shattered the mask she was trying to put on. Pam hugged so much tighter than Momma. And Agnes missed Momma so much these days. She hugged Pam back tightly.

"Oh honey, I haven't seen you in so long. You look so good."

"It's been too long." She sniffled and squeezed one more time.

Pam pulled back and saw her face. She shook her head, horrified that it was something she had done.

Agnes shook her head discreetly. It's weird to be confronted with how much you've missed someone in a single moment.

"You guys go in now." She said in as normal a voice as she could muster while she ushered the children towards their grandmother. "I'll be in in just one second." She spun around and took deep breaths. She started pacing as soon as Pam shut the door. Her head was rolling in missing her late family members and Evan, but to top it all off she was now standing in the reality that she also missed these people. These people that she had once considered an extension of her own family. She had fought so hard not to think of them for so long and now here they were. And she was appalled to think that the Big Chris that she had known wasn't here anymore either. It was like accepting that Momma wasn't here all over again. She covered her mouth for a gasping breath and then straightened herself as she wiped her hands over her face.

"You don't get to be this person anymore." She told herself quietly. And that's not healthy, she thought of her own pep talk. She wiped her hand on her pants and went to the door.

When she opened the door the house looked slightly different, but it still fit with all of her memories. The walls were the same muted light green, but the armchairs were newer. She remembered this place and it made her feel warm for a moment on top of the despair that she was trapped in, which only added to the confusion.

The laughter of the kids drew her to the kitchen. Her head still felt like it was floating out there away from her. She couldn't manage to keep herself there until she saw him.

Big Chris was sitting at the kitchen table eating a sandwich and smiling as the kids ranted on about every single thing that popped into their heads. Liam had brought a book he was working on and was busy telling his pop pop about it. Big Chris only nodded along until his eye caught Agnes. He smiled and then he shook his head before looking up. "My girl." He finally said, just loud enough for them to hear.