please don't take my sunshine away...

Chapter Twenty Two.

playlist song: say something,  james harris

Fall 2015

    I close my eyes. It all seems impossible. I always knew the world was gonna end someday but I didn't think it would happen while I was still living. The band has been my life. But not my safe place. I always thought pain came from being hurt, falling down. But now I am covered in scars but never bled. Simon Cowell. Once a name that made me inspired now makes me cower and paralized in fear. I found the person that makes me the happiest and he tries to pry him away from me every single day. Someday I worry my fingers won't hold on tight enough. People say that hard things make you stronger, but I was much stronger when I was fifteen and didn't deal with any of this shit.

I look beside me and the beautiful boy I have known for six years. The boy I married. His face is scrunched up in concern and his eyes look forward, holding attention to the three other people in the small room. I can't leave because I know he couldn't live with that. But I don't know if I can live with this anymore. I feel tears form in my eyes and I squeeze them shut to stop them from falling. I feel his soft hand touch my cheek and then I open my eyes to see him looking at me softly.
"It's all gonna be okay," he whispers so only I can hear. The room goes quiet and it is only him. I nod but I know in my head that I can't believe those words anymore. They have been spoken to me thousands of times but they always end up being a lie. It's not okay. I'm not okay.

    I stand up and walk out of the room. I hear Louis' and the other boys' voices behind me but I ignore them. I open the door and into the hallway where the world is quiet. I feel tears fall down my face as I curl up into a ball beside the door. I contemplate if it's worth it anymore. I hear the door open next to me and then Louis is sitting in front of me. I let out a sob when I see his bright blue eyes.
"I don't know if I can do this anymore," I whisper in between choked sobs. He nods and then sits beside me calmly.
"I'm mad," I say.
"I know," he says back.
"At Simon, at you," I say sobbing again. He goes silent. I don't even know if he's breathing.
"Sometimes I wish I never met you," he says.
"What?" I ask quietly, turning my head to look at him.
"If you'd never met me this never would have happened. I can't stand the fact that I've hurt you," he looks off into space with a sad look in his eyes.
"But if I'd never met you the world wouldn't turn," I say quietly.
"Harry," he whispers. "If you never met me you would've found another world,"
"Stop," I say quietly but sternly. He sighs.
"The world doesn't want us to be together," he says.
"But I do," I say, looking at him again. I feel a few tears fall down my face.

    "I don't think they care that we do Harry," he says and I see tears forming in his eyes.
"I don't fucking care," I say. He laughs sadly and a few tears fall down his face.
"I want you to be happy Harry,"
"But you make me happy," I say back.
"I know."
"But I have also broken you."
"You didn't break me." I say moving so I'm right in front of him. Where his eyes can't look at anything but me. "He did." He closes his eyes tightly and then lets out a sob. Tears stream down his face. I grab his small frame and pull him into me.

    His whole body shakes and I try to hold back tears of my own as I hold him close.I hold my breath so it doesn't come out ragged against him. He's so delicate.
"Don't beat yourself up for things we can't control," I said in his ear as a few tears fell from my eyes. He reaches a hand up and covers my mouth softly. Siletly telling me to shut the fuck up. I sigh sadly.
"You have to listen to me, Louis," I say, muffled by his small hand. He slowly moves his hand away from my face.
"You can't give up now,"  tears form in my eyes and I will them to go away. "We've tried so hard for five years to give up now."
"I wish I could go back," he says sadly. "To 2009 when it was just me and you. Before any of this bullshit happened."
"Me too," I say quietly, letting a few tears fall. The world doesn't end until he does. I worry that it is gonna be sooner than I hope.