The Secrets of Lore Seymour

85. The Butler & The Troublemaker

Cyan POV

Time ticks away. I remain on the couch doing what I do best; think.

I don't know how much time passes before Arline returns. Likely hours passed based on the sun being up when Draven was here and now the sun has set. It must be after dinner because Arline steps in with a plate of food. Her brows furrow when she huffs, "I've been searching everywhere for you. What are you still doing here? You missed..."

Her voice trails off. Setting the plate on the coffee table, she takes a seat next to me. Her hand rests on my shoulder, gently nudging me. "What's wrong? You're as pale as the dead."

I tear at the fraying strings along the edge of my shirt that I've abused ever since Draven's confession. The poor cloth will have to be tossed after tonight. Looking at Arline, I try to tell her but the truth sits on the edge of my tongue. I know what she's going to say; that I should tell Draven how I feel. That's what she has always said. Arline has always believed in our connection, and I always wanted to feel the same. That's much easier to do when you're not at war with your own body, when your mind rests at ease. What's that like having a quiet mind, not being anxious, not hating yourself?

"Cyan," Arline whispers. Her eyes hold concern. I don't blame her. I'm acting weird.

Swallowing hard, I manage to breathe out, "I... Draven, after you left he, uh, he said that he l-likes me."

I'm baffled to discover Arline maintaining a serious expression. I expected a knowing smirk, maybe a taunt, but she sits calmly. Resting a gentle hand on my back, she asks, "Did he say anything else?"

"He said he doesn't expect an answer now, but if I feel the same then he'd like to give us a try and that I shouldn't belittle myself. He'll wait."

"What did you say?"

"I didn't say anything."

"Because you want to take time to think about it?"

"I guess? I don't know. I-I know that I like him too, but..."

Arline frowns. "But you're worrying about it again, aren't you? That he'll get annoyed with waiting or that you'll never give him the physical aspects of a relationship that he may want."

Of course she knows, we've gone over this hundreds of times. I've tried getting accustomed to physical contact and I have gotten better. Arline, for example, can touch my shoulder or grasp my hand and I'm fine. We practiced first, doing chores together while she held my hand or gently patted my arm while we spoke. Little things here or there that amounted to normalcy, but it took time. A lot of time. Same with Lore. Sometimes he had to hold me to calm me, but then I'd break out in hives because of the contact.

Draven though, it feels more complicated with him because he makes my heart race. I know what I want to do. I want to hold his hand. I want to hug him. I want to kiss him. I want... to have sex. It's not like I don't have that drive. I most certainly do, but part of me hates that and another part knows that's stupid. I become so irritated that I can't react so easily to these desires. I want Draven and he's right there and yet I can't reach him. It makes me hate myself.

"Hey, look at me," Arline whispers, taking firm hold of my hand. "I understand why you're worried. I understand that this is a lot for you, but if being with Draven is what you want then you have to give it a try. Yes, it'll take time for your relationship to develop, more than it does for most others, however, that's what a relationship is. If you aren't willing to spend time together, to be patient, to learn, to grow comfortable, then they aren't the person for you."

Arline nudges me playfully with her elbow. "Hell, how many years did he wait to say this? Not to mention that he puts up with all of us without having a complete breakdown. If anyone can put up with your crazy ass, it's Draven."