Sons of the Tide (mlm)

Chapter 25: Not Your Fault

Joseph

Joseph was in the boat, using an old bristled scrub brush to try and clean the blood out of the wood. He didn't know where to go or what to do, and he needed something to do with his hands. he'd already cleaned the sail and organized the little supplies in the ship, so he was using the sparse cleaning equipment.

He was hungry and hot and tired, but he couldn't sleep or eat. He was too agitated.

I'm not dead, yet. That sentence repeated over and over in his head like a broken record.

Yet. He would die. Whether or not it was Joseph's fault was still to be determined.

He hated to admit it, but he was scared. He was putting everyone at risk, not just Caleb. Cecelia, who'd been with him from the start when he first became a pirate on a ship she was working. His crew, who never once doubted him and trusted him to lead them. He was leading them all to their deaths.

How had he come this far? How had he been driven so mad with grief that he decided to endanger everyone he cared about? God, Elizabeth would be so disappointed in him.

No. He couldn't think about her. He couldn't let himself remember how she'd looked when he found her. He couldn't think about how much blood was soaking their sheets and how her hair was matted and tangled with it when he pulled her from the bed to try and save her. It was too late and she was gone.

He hadn't been there to protect her, just like he hadn't been there for Caleb. He was a curse on anyone he met.

He felt someone grab his wrists and gently pull them away from the scrub brush. "Joseph."

He looked up, breathing heavily. His fingertips were burning and he was shaking. Cecelia was looking at him, concerned, as he held onto his hands. "Joseph, what are you doing? You've nearly got your fingers split open."

He looked down at his hands. His fingers were red and bruised from scraping against the boat. He'd been scrubbing too hard. He shook his head. "I-I don't know."

Cecelia put one hand on his shoulder. "You need to talk to me. What is wrong?"

"I'm fine."

"Cut the bullshit." She tightened her grip on his shoulder enough for him to know she wasn't playing around. "What is wrong?"

"I-" He swallowed. "I thought he was going to die. I wasn't there."

"You didn't know."

"I didn't know my wife was being raped and murdered either."

She sighed and pulled him into a hug. To his surprise, he didn't mind. He needed it. "I'm sorry, Joseph. I know this is hard. But he's okay, and he'll get better."

"But he could've-"

"Don't think about what could've happened. Think about what did happen." She pulled away and looked him in the eyes. "You got to him in time. You dropped everything and ran, with no one to back you up. You got there and you saved him. That is what matters. He's alive because of you."

Joseph hated when his eyes started to water. Cecelia cut him some slack and didn't acknowledge when tears started streaming down his face. "God, I've been such an idiot."

She huffed a small laugh. "I know. I've been watching you dance around Caleb for weeks."

"Was it really that obvious?"

"Me and the others were taking bets on when you'd get together." She grinned when he groaned. "You'll be happy to know I'm winning this one."

"Oh my god, you're awful." He wiped his face a took a shaky breath. "I just don't know what to do. I haven't been with anyone like this since she died. I'm just... what if this doesn't work out and I get hurt all over again?"