"You may feel disgusted by me, Lillian. But remember. I'm your fucking fiancé. Not him".
The minute he said those words , the whole world tuned out. The chatter of people, the honking of vehicles, and the football match playing on television. Everyt...
"Avoid traveling alone late at night", my dorm's security said as he opened the gates for me. It was midnight, and I had come straight to my dorm after leaving Jamie at the bus stop. I side-eyed the car that zoomed past as I entered the safety of the building. Jamie had followed me all the way here to make sure I was safe.
My eyes were still swollen and red when I knocked on the door, and my roommate Riya opened it. Her sleepiness changed into worry in an instant. But she didn't ask me anything and let me in. I sat on my bed and examined the room. "Jane is not here. She is on vacation", said Riya as she noticed that I was searching for her.
Jane was a couple of years older than me and Riya. She was barely in our dorm room, and she didn't talk much. So I had never spoken even a single sentence to her. It was always me and Riya. Though I never considered Ria to be my friend, we had a pretty good relationship.
I sat with a thump on my bed, unsure of what to think and what to do next. It was like the universe was playing games with me, just like before. I didn't know what to worry about. I'd mostly forgotten about the incident back home. Now that I was miles away from my family, it felt like a dream. Nightmare to be accurate. Yet Jamie's troubled face was still vivid in my memory. I could still feel my skin tingle from his touch. I glanced at Riya to see that she was sitting right in front of me, staring with concern.
"Why are you not going back to sleep", I asked. My voice was raspy from all the crying, just like it had been when I told Jamie to go away. The thoughts of him filled my mind, and tears started to prick my eyes again.
"If you ever need to talk, I'm right here", said Riya, who looked at me expectantly. I avoided her eyes and looked at the floor with glassy eyes. She let out a deep sigh as she stood and walked to her bed.
"Riya wait". I called hastily. She smiled and sat in the same place as before.
"I just want to ask you something", I said, hesitating. She nodded like nothing I could ask would surprise her. "What will you do when you feel like you've started to like your friend?"
She smiled at me like I was a lovesick twelve-year-old blabbering about her cartoon crush. For some reason, it made my heart ease a little bit.
"I wouldn't hesitate. Not even a single second. I'd go straight to him and start dating", she said with a gleam in her eyes. That was very bold of her. I always thought she was a quiet and shy girl.
"Don't look at me like that, Lilly. Yes, I don't get along with people that much. But when it comes to love, I can't resist", she said, and that was when I understood. She was a romantic.
I had to correct her. More like to correct myself. "I didn't say anything about 'Love'"
She replied without missing a beat, "You never know until you try".
She may believe in love. But I didn't want to do make-believe anymore. I'd seen enough to know that, in the name of love, we end up losing a good friend and scarring ourselves for life. "What if I don't", I said, my expression bland.
"What?", she asked, confused.
"What if I don't want to fall in love? What if I don't want to... want anybody else?"
"Don't deceive yourself, Lilly", she said tenderly. "You've said it yourself. You easily forget things. Nothing is permanent. Neither sorrow nor joy. When you forget what you felt anyway, why bother to not be happy just to not be sad later?"
I looked at her with tearyeyes. Yes, I'd said that before. I didn't remember lots of things from my past.I didn't remember most of what happened back then. But I didn't forget how Ifelt. I only forgot how people made me feel like that. I let them do it all over again. Something about her expression made me feel like my heart was naked in front of her, and there was no use in holding back. I cried. I cried like I was the most unfortunate person in the world. I heard her sit beside me and felt her gently pat my back.
"I want to be obsessed", I said in between my sobs. "I want to have someone to obsess over. I want to have him to obsess over. Forever. I wish I could have that kind of obsession again, but I'm not naive to hope that it wouldn't end in me and my hope dying all over again."
I knew she didn't agree with me. But for some reason, she didn't argue, and I was grateful. We sat there for about an hour before she broke the silence. "It's that guy, Jamie, isn't it?"
I looked at her in shock. She had never even seen Jamie before.
She laughed. "I'm your roommate, girl. I don't try to eavesdrop, but when you're inches away from me, I can't help listening to it. And you talk a lot."
"I don't like texting", I said, pouting, trying to defend myself. "But I didn't even talk to him that much when I was here, did I?"
"I'm not saying you're acting all lovey-dovey, but when you talk about him, it feels like you're denying yourself from doing something you desperately want to do. It's a bit chaotic, you know?"
"Our whole relationship has been chaotic", I said with a sad smirk. It does make a bit of sense. Thinking about the future, I always lose sight of the present. I didn't know what I would do, but at that moment, I decided to cast every worry aside and enjoy living as much as possible.
"Beautifully chaotic"
This is what Riya looks like 👇🏻 Gorgeous, isn't she?
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