My Fake Fiancé

Chapter 22 - Clarity

"What?" That was ridiculous. "Do you still expect me to? Are you still in love with me?"

I was genuinely confused. He went still for a second before relaxing.

"That is- No- I just-"

I cut him off with a chuckle. He looked flustered, and it was cute. I had never seen Noah stutter. He was always sure and clear about what he said. He didn't speak much, but when he did, he knew what to say.

But the Noah I saw in front of me was far from the one I knew. Surprisingly, I liked this version of him too. It felt like he had evolved to match the current me, just like he had matched the old me.

"I get it. We never talked about it back then."

"You... knew?"

I leaned on the steel rails, and he followed suit beside me. We both stood there, staring into the abyss. "How could I not? You didn't do a good job hiding it."

He just mumbled a thoughtful Mmm.

"But tell me. Are you still interested in me?" I glanced at him.

He stood silently for a while, and right when I thought he wouldn't answer, he said, "Probably not."

I shot him a questioning glance. "Probably? That's the best you can do?"

He let out a stifled laugh. "It's not that I'm not sure if I love you. I know I don't. At least not that way. It's just..."

"just?"

"I'm not sure if I ever loved you."

"Oh." That was unexpected. I peeled my eyes away from him to the cold floor.

He swiftly turned to face me. His panic was evident when he said, "Don't get me wrong. I'm just-" He let out a deep sigh. "I'm confused. I'm not sure I knew the real you back then. I'm not sure if I loved you for you or just wanted to save you and be the knight-in-shining-armour of your life."

That made sense.

He ran a nervous hand through his rich black hair. "You know I've always wanted the best for you. And I thought maybe I could give it to you if no one else did. But you never let me get close enough. I never had the chance to understand how I felt. I thought I would've really loved you if you would've shown me the real happy you. That was why I was confused when you hugged me. I still don't recognize this version of you. You seem to be all I ever wanted you to be, but somehow it doesn't feel like you."

I understood everything he said. I myself couldn't recognize the present me. I thought I had changed after Jamie, but if I compare the present Lilly with the Lilly last week, I would say they are two completely different people.

"Is it bad?"

"No. Not at all. As I told you, this is how I wanted you to be. You're perfect. Not that you weren't perfect before. You always are."

I beamed at him. "I'm flattered."

He let out a gaspy laugh. Again, hands in his hair. "Did you ever... have feelings for me?"

"No"

"Yeah. Thought so." His face drooped a little, and I felt bad for him.

"I've always loved you, Noah. But not romantically." He smiled a weak smile. "And that's not because you weren't lovable, but because I never allowed myself to. You, more than anyone else, know how my life was back then. I didn't want to make life at home worse than it already was. I couldn't be as reckless in love as I am now. I learned it the hard way. I never stopped to wonder if I liked you that way because I wasn't ready for the possibility that I did. In fact I was afraid that I would fall hopelessly in love with you. But now, guess I'll never know."