My Fake Fiancé

Chapter 16 : I hate myself

I couldn't push Jessica away.

When she started talking, I was ready to call out her bullshit. But when she confessed, the memory that had been haunting me was burned into my vision, hiding everything else. I didn't have the guts to speak. I didn't have the guts to push her away when she kissed me. I couldn't even call it a kiss. It felt gross.

"Hey bro!" Josh called out from behind me. He looked excited until he saw the horror in my face. His face twisted in confusion, and he glanced at Alex. I was so out of sync that I didn't even notice Alex.

Alex was looking at me with worried eyes. Josh took the hint and left us, telling us that his girlfriend would be looking for him.

Alex waited until Josh was out of hearing range and then gave me a questioning stare.

"Jessica," I said, starting to walk away. Alex sighed and matched my strides.

"Yeah, I saw the way she looked at you. What do you think about her?"

"Is that even a question?" I was offended now. "You know I only used her as a rebound. She knew I only used her. We weren't in a relationship. We weren't even friends. Just because she was there during some low moments of my life doesn't mean I liked her being there."

"Did you tell her all this?"

I didn't answer because he already knew the answer.

"I thought you'd be alright now that you seem to be going back to normal."

I thought so too. After her, I couldn't bring myself to push people away. I had to take care of them or at least let them be. Even if they hated me. Even if they took me for granted and even if I hated them.

That made me mad. So mad that I stopped talking to new people altogether. Until...

My heartbeat started to slow down back to normal as I felt the calmness spread through me. Just imagining her face made wonders.

I realized that Alex had been talking all along, and I hadn't heard a single word. All I could catch on to were the last few words. "So do you think it's because of Lilly?"

"What?" I asked, confused.

"Where is your head at?" I asked if you were getting better because of Lilly."

I had thought about that too. Whenever she was with me, I felt relaxed and almost... happy. I took care of others because I had no other choice. But when it was Lilly, I did it because I wanted to.

It's true that these two months had pulled a bit of the old me out of being buried alive, but I didn't know if it was because of her. She didn't even know why I was like this. She didn't even know I was like this.

"You may not have an answer, but we all hope that it's because of her. That way, we'll know you'll be completely back to normal."

"She doesn't even know this is not the normal me."

"That's because you're acting too good to her. One can't always be good, Jamie. Don't forget that she thinks she knows you when she doesn't. That doesn't always end well with people who are close. It may break you apart and also break your heart in the process."

I didn't want to. I didn't want to show her my ugly side. She was an angel. Innocent, caring, and... fragile. I didn't want to hurt her, but I also didn't want to become a stranger to her. I knew only four months were remaining in our little play, and it was killing me already. I couldn't let her see my other side, just to be pushed away.

"Do you like her?" His words pulled me out of my messed-up thoughts. Alex was always calm and straightforward. I didn't know how he could ask everything casually with a straight face.

"We all like her, don't we?"

"You know what I mean."

I didn't know how to answer. I felt responsible for her because I was the one who made up this stupid act, and I was the one who made her distance herself from her family. My anger flared up as I thought about her egoistic parents. They dared to say she was a- that and didn't even care to call her when she had been missing for hours. One thing I was happy about doing this fake engagement was her being away from the toxic people she still called family.

Alex saw my frustration but didn't comment on it. "Ah. That reminds me. Anya told me that you vented on her."

"I didn't vent on her. She did something stupid, and I got angry."

"Did? Didn't she say something stupid? I thought you were angry because she said Lilly belonged with you. Apparently, that doesn't bother you." He was smirking, and I wanted to punch his face.

"Think whatever you want. I was pissed because she spewed some bullshit about me and Lilly." It was the truth. It may not be the complete truth, but it wasn't a lie either. I was already confused about Lilly's conflicting behavior, and on top of that, Anya said that she might like Joel. That made me lose my sanity.

So logically, when she said Lilly belonged with me, I should've been happy. But I wasn't. That made me even more mad. I acted like a perfect person in front of Lilly when both my mind and my life were messes. He was right. I vented to Anya.

"Here comes the devil," Alex muttered. I didn't know how this guy managed to talk like that about his girlfriend.

"Do you think you can get away with it?" Anya asked, arms crossed.

I felt my frustration build up. Before I blew up again, I had to find Lilly. She was like my rainbow on a rainy day. But before I could ask where she was, Anya said, "Wait. Where's Lilly? I thought she was with you."

"Why would she be with me? I wasn't back in the room since early morning."

"I know, dummy. She came looking for you. She even looked a bit bothered."

She came looking for me? Did she-

"When did she leave the room?" I asked hastily, as I had already started moving.

"Don't try to dodge me, Ja-"

"When did she leave the room?" I shouted.

"Like an hour ago," she said with wide eyes.

If she had seen everything, there was no way she wouldn't hate me. I ran from corridor to corridor, searching all the nooks and corners. She was the kind of girl to sit crying in a deserted corner.

I tried calling her number, but she wouldn't pick up. I was becoming more and more anxious as I kept running. The scene played in the back of my mind on repeat.

Lilly looking for me. Lilly seeing me and Jessica. Lilly hesitating to interrupt. Jessica saying all those things and kissing me. Lilly realizing I wasn't so good after all. Lilly being heartbroken and running away crying.

I couldn't erase her crying face from my mind. With each passing second, I became more desperate to find her, wipe her tears, and explain to her why I was the way I was.

I tried calling her number for the twenty-eighth time when I saw her.

I stopped running abruptly, hid behind a nearby pillar and shut my mouth to muffle my pants. She was sitting in the garden. But she wasn't crying. Nor was she alone. She was with Joel, laughing like she didn't have a single worry in life.

She may not have seen me. I tried to convince myself, but I still hated seeing her with him. I hated that I wasn't there with her. I hated that she never laughed with me like that.

I hated seeing her happy. And I hated myself for that.

I didn't deserve to be with her. I didn't deserve her.

<------------------>

Finally, Jamie's pov. 

I guess Jamie might not exactly be how you expected him to be. But that's how life works. People are not how they seem they are. And sometimes we fall in love with the made up personality and not the real one.

What do you think the real Jamie's like? Will Lilly like his true side too?

And how do you think Lilly ended up with Joel? And why is she laughing?