Watch Me Drown

34. Shower

TW: talk of being underweight

(Abby's point of view)

It took me a few minutes to fully wake up the next morning. When my eyes finally opened, I looked around the room. We had forgotten to close the blinds, so it was super bright. The blankets and pillows engulfing me blocked some of the light. I couldn't tell if Julien was with me.

"Julien?" I whispered.

The mountain of pillows started moving, and a moment later, Julien's face appeared next to mine.

"Morning, love," She smiled. "You feel alright?"

I nodded, even though my joints were screaming, and it took a lot of effort to keep my eyes open. The sunlight didn't help that. She didn't have to know. We'd both enjoyed ourselves the night before. I wouldn't ruin that, at least not for her.

"Are you sure?" She said, gently touching the area under my eye, where the dark circles already there must have been intensified. "You look tired."

"I'm always tired." I shrugged, and rolled onto my side so we were face to face. It hurt to move. I tried not to flinch.

"Oh." She frowned.

I closed my eyes, from the exhaustion, but also to escape the sad look on her face. Would I always hurt her? Surely someday I would become too much. I held her hand, the one that had been tracing my face, while I still could.

"You can sleep as late as you want," She told me, oblivious to my self loathing. "We have all day."

"What time is it?" I muttered.

"9:30ish." She whispered.

I ended up falling asleep again, still holding Julien's hand. I must have been very still, because when I woke up, about an hour and a half later, her hand was still in mine, resting right by my face. My limbs still ached, but I wasn't as tired.

"You could've moved." I told Julien when I saw her, propped up on pillows, doing something on her phone, one handed.

"I'm fine." She said. "Besides, it was cute."

I pulled myself closer to her, resting on her chest. I traced her tattoos and listened to the steady drum of her heartbeat for a while. She would occasionally say something, or show me something on her phone, mostly cute animal videos. Other than that, it was silent. Our breathing and distant people in the hallway or outside was the only noise.

"You wanna take a shower?" Julien suggested after at least half an hour.

"Uh..." Showering hadn't been too bad, but already not feeling great scared me. "I'm not sure."

She sat up, still cradling me to her chest. I gasped at the lightheadedness that followed.

"I'm sorry," She said when she saw me wince. "I didn't think that through."

I waved her off. "Just a little dizzy."

"Can we try something?" She asked.

"We did that last night." I said. She laughed.

"Not like that." She explained. "Let me call down to the lobby."

Julien untangled herself from me and the blankets, then got up, picked up the room phone, dialed something, and held it to her ear. My jaw dropped with her request.

"A shower chair?!" I exclaimed when she hung up. "I'm not eighty years old, Julien!!"

"Think about it," She said. "Showers are difficult for you. You feel best while sitting, or laying, down. Now, you can sit in the shower without having to sit on the ground."

She had a point. I sighed, and put my head in my hands.

"What's wrong, Abby?" Julien sat beside me.

"I hate that it's come to this." I whispered. "It's a good idea, I just...I wish I didn't have to use it."

"I know, honey," She said softly. "I know."

***

We kept the lights dim, just bright enough that we could make out what was shampoo and what was bodywash. It would have been romantic if I wasn't sitting on a flimsy piece of plastic. I felt awkward. I was done with it only a few minutes in. So what, I would feel a little dizzy?! I stood and wrapped my arms around Julien. She kissed me until we were both breathless.

"Maybe we should-" Julien stopped mid sentence.

Her hands, which had been resting on my lower back, had trailed up. Oh. They had stopped right at my ribs. She could feel my ribs.

I had always been on the thinner side, but I was healthy. I was never a strong kid. My arms were always weak. My upper body strength was terrible. I had only looked sick back when I worked at the restaurant.

Then, in the hotel shower, I realized that I was on my way to looking like that again.

I twisted out of Julien's grasp. She was frozen, shocked. Her hands barely moved when I escaped from them. Within seconds, I was out of the shower, a towel wrapped around my body. I threw on simple clothes, just a boygenius hoodie and sweats. I would change into nicer pants for the show later. I just needed to get out of that room.

"Abby!" Julien practically ran out of the bathroom, a towel loosely wrapped around her. "Abby, wait!"

"I need some air." I said hastily, because I did.

The door slammed shut behind me. I was moving too fast to process how I felt. I, finally, stopped at a bench outside, and practically collapsed onto it. My heart was racing, my breaths coming in gasps. I dropped my head to my knees, my arms wrapped around my core, desperate for air. My legs burned. I prayed that Julien hadn't followed me. I didn't want her to see me like this. Hopefully she was still in the room, wondering where I was, but not finding out. I would go back in a bit. Time was all I needed, along with air. My lungs still struggled to pull it in. It felt like there was a weight on my chest, like I couldn't catch my breath. I forced air in. As long as I was still breathing, I was fine.

Time moved slowly. I was lethargic, and everything was a little hazy. I had sat up, having finally eased the pressure in my chest. I couldn't seem to conjure up full thoughts. Now, I hoped Julien would find me. I hoped she would take me back to the room, and I would get to sleep more. Maybe I would wake up and this whole illness thing would just be a dream.     

-------------------------------

Y'all aren't ready for what's happening next.