Watch Me Drown

38. Anxiety

(Abby's point of view)

That night, I found myself not being able to sleep again. The others slept like babies. I watched Julien, sleeping so peacefully it was almost concerning. Her lips were slightly parted, but she was breathing evenly through her nose. She was lying on her stomach, her arms under the pillow her head was on. She was totally out, dreamless and careless. I admired her, yet envied her a little. I just wanted to sleep.

After a while of trying to fall asleep, I came to terms with the fact that it just wasn't going to happen, and put on my headphones. I played some playlist Spotify had made for me, rolling my eyes when the ads came on. The ads weren't good. When they came on, I thought too much. When it was music, I thought about the songs, and not having to reunite with my toxic parents. I was full to the brim with anxiety. If Julien were awake, she would tell me, "You'll feel better in the morning." I wouldn't agree. I would feel worse in the morning. It would only get bad, never better. As long as our plans were happening, I was closer to a panic attack every second.

I was right. The next morning, I woke up abruptly, from a strange dream with my family. Phoebe, Lucy, and Julien were already up, packing. I pulled myself together before I showed that I was awake.

I wasn't much help with packing. I was distracted, which made me confused. Eventually, Lucy sent me to get a luggage cart. Easy enough, right?

I got lost in the damn hotel.

It was only for a few minutes. I hadn't brought my phone, because I'd thought I would be fast. In those few minutes though, I was panicked. I ended up finding signs that led me back to the lobby, then I decided to pretend I never got lost. When Phoebe asked what took so long, I lied and said someone stopped me to say hi. Someday, I would come clean, and probably laugh about it, but not yet.

Everything was packed when I got back. From the hotel, we took an Uber to the train station, which would take us to Boston. Lucy and Phoebe had decided to come with us. They already had touristy plans. Most of them involved something near or with drinks. At least some of us would have fun.

The train ride felt quick, even though I listened to at least four albums. I didn't even sleep. I was too wound up to even be tired. My leg was constantly bouncing, and I was always picking or biting at my nails. Julien didn't let me drive. She could see how stressed I was, and knew it wasn't a good idea for me to be behind the wheel. She had to use directions on her phone, though. I knew the way, for the most part.

The rental car was a small Jeep SUV. It was silver, and pretty clean, but a little banged up. I sat in the back with Phoebe, so Lucy could have more leg room. The car was perfect size for Julien. I told her so. Lucy and Phoebe laughed. Julien groaned.

"I am not that short." She grumbled, which made everyone laugh more.

"Oh, honey," I patted her arm. "Yes you are."

She flipped me off, but she smiled a tiny bit when I said "Honey."

The drive also felt quick. I guess it was faster than the train. It was only, like, forty five minutes. My parents lived right outside the city, super close to the water. In fact, the cemetery where my grandmother is buried is on the water. I'm sure it's beautiful. The last time I was there, I wasn't really looking at the landscape.

"Are you ready for tonight?" Lucy asked me.

Phoebe and Julien had left us in the car at the hotel, to get room keys and a luggage cart. That night, since our day was too busy with all the travel, me and Julien were having dinner with my parents at their house. I had forgotten about it in the car. We were all talking. I realized that the constant chatter was intentional, a distraction. All my nerves came crashing down on me, and it took me a minute to form words.

"Um..." I breathed. "No."

There was really no other answer.

"Before you know it, you'll be home." Lucy said.

I nodded a little. Everything had moved fast that day. Maybe it would be like that all week. All I had to do was three days, if I wanted to win me and Lucy's bet.

"Our bet officially starts tomorrow," She told me, turning in her seat to extend her hand. "Since tonight you won't be with them long."

"Deal." I said.

We shook on it.

***

I was an absolute wreck. Me and Julien were on our way to my parents house, and I couldn't stop shaking. I was shivering, even though I was warm. It was bad. I had pulled my legs up onto the side, bringing them to my chest, in hopes that I could hold myself still. Yeah, that didn't work. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe, which was also shaky. I was exceptionally aware of my heart, pounding through what felt like my entire body. Julien kept glancing at me anxiously, maybe waiting for me to explode. I was sort of waiting for the same thing.

When we were about ten minutes away from the house, Julien pulled over.

"I can't let you suffer any more." She told me when the car was parked. "We don't have to do this."

"N-no." I stuttered. "We have to. We barely have a ch-...a choice."

"Abby, you're miserable!" She said. "Please, let me take you back to the hotel."

"The more we put it off," I explained. "The worse I get."

Julien sighed. "You really want to do this?"

"No." I shrugged. "But I can't cancel. They'll never let it go."

"Abby-"

"We're going."

Julien looked at me for a moment, worried. I stared straight ahead at the dark road. After a minute, she sighed again and pulled back onto the street. The car ride was quiet, besides my quivering breaths.

The house looked the same. The exact same. It was still small and gray. The walkway up to the front door was still clean, no weeds. The white picket fence was still up, even though my mother had always disliked it. Light flowed through the windows, and occasionally someone would walk by, or the curtain would move. I could hear the TV on. Some window must have been open. It looked like the perfect family home. Even though the family in it wasn't perfect.

"Oh, god." I gasped when Julien shut off the car. "What have I gotten us into?!"

"Breathe." Julien reminded me.

I sucked in a breath and blew it out slowly.

"You can do this." She said.

I shook my head. "I don't-"

"You can do this." Julien repeated, firmer this time. Softly, she added, "I know you can."

I grabbed her hand, holding it tightly in mine. I brought it up to my face to kiss her inked knuckles.

"Just try to stay calm in there." I told her, then got out of the car before she could answer.

I looked at myself in the reflection of the car window. My hair was in a braid. My mother had always liked it like that. A part of me would always try to make her like me. My outfit was basic, just jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. Julien wore something similar, but her shirt was a little bit fancier. In her hands, she held a bottle of wine, for my parents. I would carry it instead soon. I knew it was hard for her.

"Don't bring up politics," I said as we walked to the door. "Or which bathroom a transgender person should use."

Julien gave me a thumbs up, and I forced myself to knock on the perfect front door.  

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