Watch Me Drown

48. Highway to Hell

(Abby's point of view)

I ran through the airport, desperately trying to not miss the flight. Well, I wasn't exactly running. I walked quickly and maneuvered people in big crowds, then sprinted when there was a less crowded space. By the time I got back to Julien, my heart was pounding faster than I was running, my vision was wobbly, and I could barely catch my breath.

"Did we miss it?!" I questioned when I reached Julien. "Am I too late?!"

"Hey, we're good," She placed a hand on my shoulder. "We have a few minutes."

"Oh, great," I panted. "Amazing. Wow. Cool."

"You need to sit down." She told me.

"We can't miss the flight." I objected, even though my legs were burning.

"I won't let us miss it." She said. "Sit."

I gave in, and collapsed into the plastic seat. I laughed a little in between breaths. "I was convinced...we were gonna be stuck here...for hours."

"How did it go?" She asked me.

"It...went." I said.

"It-"

"Alright, we gotta go." I interrupted her and stood up.

"Abby, we're totally on time." Julien told me. "It's okay. Please rest for a few minutes. You haven't caught your breath yet."

"If I don't do anything, everything is going to come crashing down on me." I admitted quietly. "I need to be distracted, so just...bear with me."

She sighed. "Okay...okay. Come on then. We can start lining up."

***

The plane ride to California wasn't as bad as the ride from California. I got dizzy at points, but fought really hard, and didn't pass out. Most of the articles that Dr. Monroe had printed out for me said that salt was good for helping with POTS, so when the stewardess started coming around with her little snack cart, I got some salt and vinegar chips. I felt so in control, eating my chips. I felt like I could manage my health. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad...

It was after the plane that the universe decided to say, "Haha, Abby! You thought you'd be just fine!" We were on the highway. I was driving. We had stopped for new gas, then started our journey home. I was very tired after the flight, and everything before, yet I insisted on driving. It was late, around 11:00. I hadn't been out that long since the boys last show at Madison Square Garden. There were only three other cars on the road, but they got off the highway pretty quickly. My eyes were heavy. Julien was almost asleep in the passenger seat. The exhaustion was getting to me. I could feel it everywhere. I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut for a second, to wake me up a little. When I opened them, I got dizzy and my vision was all blurry.

"Oh, shit." I said, blinking rapidly.

"Hm?" Julien hummed, eyes still closed.

"I'm fine, I'm fine." I whispered.

I was really just trying to reassure myself.

"Abby, what the hell are you doing?!" Julien suddenly exclaimed. Her words came out fast and stumbled over each other. Just then, a giant horn sounded on the other side of the highway. I recognized the sound. It was a giant transportation truck. But why was it so loud? Or was it...close?

"FUCK!" I yelled when the truck headlights nearly blinded us. I had drifted into the opposite lane.

We screamed a little as I swerved right, away from crashing into the truck.

"PULL OVER, PULL OVER!" Julien shrieked.

"I'M TRYING!!" I shrieked back.

My heart felt like it was going to pound through my ribs, and then my skin. It was beating in that intense way that made it hard to breathe, which made me lightheaded. I managed to pull over, the front half of the car on grass, and the back on the road.

"Oh, Jesus." Julien panted beside me. "Oh, sweet Jesus. Abby. Abby. Abby, what was that."

"I got dizzy." I squeaked. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She said. "It's okay."

"No...it's not." I gasped through gritted teeth. "I almost just killed us."

I groaned and rested my head on the steering wheel.

"It's not your fault." She said.

"It is entirely my fault."

"It's okay. Are you alright?"

"No!" I exclaimed, shooting up and throwing my hands in the air. "I can't drive, I can't breathe, I can't do anything!"

This was the break that I had been subconsciously expecting. I had put too much on myself, and never made time to process everything. I ran my hands through my hair, trying to keep myself together.

"Abby..." Julien said quietly.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

I couldn't cry in front of her again. Not then. I had done that enough. So I unlocked my door and got out of the car, then closed it, leaving Julien inside, and me with some privacy. I think Julien understood that I needed a moment alone, because she just waited in the car.

I stood alone on the side of the road, by the car I had just almost crashed, trying not to cry too hard, because I felt lightheaded enough. For a few minutes, I let myself fall apart. I really, truly felt like I would never get my life together, and I would die a sick nobody who hadn't done a thing since fifty years ago. I'll be sick forever, I thought over and over again. Unless someone comes up with a cure or I find a perfect way to manage myself, I will be sick forever.

After a little bit, I started to feel really pathetic, and stupid. I began to pull myself together, but every time I tried, another horrible thought would creep into my mind, and my stability would topple over like building blocks.

Suddenly, I heard the car door open and quietly shut. Then I felt Julien's hand on my shoulder.

"Come on, get back in the car," She said softly. "Let's go home."

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry." I whispered as I let her lead me to the passenger side.

"Shh." She opened the door and I got in.

When she got back in the car, in the driver's seat now, she buckled her seatbelt, and I weakly did too.

"Oh, Abby," She said, starting to drive. "It's gonna be okay."

"Please," I breathed. "Please don't say that. Nothing about this is okay. It's unfair."

Julien frowned. "It is. I know. We're going to figure it out."

I nodded a little, and let the thought of home, and a future with Julien, comfort me. We would figure it out.

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Epilogue coming March 11th.