I Stalked my Girlfriend

Her Past Present Future

Honestly, I don't like thinking about this point in my life; that's why I've been struggling to piece it together. It really captured a period and part of me that I regret, even to this day. The months that followed in my senior year, were worst than my freshman year because this time not only was I alone, but the paranoia that everyone was talking about me became a reality. Shame does things to you.

I tell you I cried when I picked Vanity up from the airport the loneliness was killing me.

"What should I do?" I sat asking after telling her the whole story.

"...Kai you?! Fighting over MIA Pussy! I'm shocked!"

"VAnity!"

"LOl I'm sorry, I just wanted to say something crazy." When she was done laughing she hugged me and said "No but seriously I'm sure Deroy didn't mean to hurt you, he just didn't know how far his joke would go."

It seemed like everyone was telling me the same thing. Forgive Deroy.

"I just can't look at him the same. I don't even want to talk about it right now."

"Okay then what are we gonna do?"

"I don't know, but any way, How's Blake?"

"We broke up."

"What!? You guys were traveling the world together!"

"Yeah but he got too eager."

"So..." I said rolling my eyes, I mean would it be better if he didn't want to touch you at all.

"I didn't like him touching me like that."

"But I touch you like that all the time." I smirked running my fingers over her thigh. LOL she slapped me and I fell out laughing.

"I just didn't think he was that kind of guy."

"Yeah well every man on a pedestal is bound to fall."

"Yeah I guess so.." She said smiling down at me.

"Hey Lets be happy on the outside and cry on the inside okay." I nodded I could see that she may have been sad too.

I held her hand as I laid beside her and mumbled "Thank for taking care of me."

So I ended up taking the mediation sessions with Deroy to avoid them taking away my diploma. We talked it out week after week and were cool after, but I still felt like I definitely wouldn't trust his with something like that again. I knew that I was a person who bruised easily, so I just stayed my distance at times. 

At graduation I walked with honors. As I walked across the stage something hit me, the lights flashing, the ground shaking, the people screaming. I smiled by their were tears streaming down my face and they wouldn't stop. From the stage... I could see Delroy stand up for me. He was shouting and clapping his hands. My whole family came out to support me. All nine of them. I could hear them shouting out from the balconies, in Korean, "You Got it Kai!" "I love you" "That's my son!" I could see them holding up signs for me. I was grateful. They asked me to say something over the mic, the tears won't stop and cried out 몸이 피를 소중히 처럼 내 가족 을 소중히. I cherish my family like the body cherishes blood. The crowd clapped although they could not understand me. The speaker passed me tissues my teachers rushes to hug me good bye. My pictures were a mess. I was so happy to be done with school. I didn't want to be there anymore. It was on to something else.

It was the year of loss for me because loss a lot of weight due to depression, so that summer I started going back to the gym. Although I was sad nothing could stop me from thinking about August when I'd pack and leave every thing behind me. I wanted to be college ready! The count down until I could start over was on, and I was ready to jump the fuck out(excuse my language). It was like throwing stones in the ocean and waiting for one to float, I lost my girl, I lost my friend, I lost my parents trust, I lost Kelly I'm not even sure what to call that, I felt like a loser, but that acceptance letter to Harvard was the only thing that made me feel like a winner. I got accepted to a few other Ivy League schools, but none of them mattered until I was on facebook. It was a cool night the breezy was shooting right throw my window the door was locked, I was aimlessly going through my feed, when suddenly, I saw a post from Amanda Knox. Who the fuck is AMANDA KNOX? I don't know but the picture ...It was a graduation photo with seven girls all accepted into seven different schools.

I gazed at the picture of Amanda, Jelissa, Fabiola, Naomi, Olivia, Kassandra, and Amora all dressed in their cap and gowns. I couldn't breath again. I expanded the picture to confirm and it was defiantly my girl. But where was she? what school was this? My head was racing to find all the answers the my questions. Everyone was tagged except Amora because she didn't have an account any more. The graduation was an outside ceremony, I saved the picture on my laptop. Right then and there I realized that if I opened this can of worms I was gonna be that guy obsessed and fixated on finding the girl again. But that's all I wanted to be at the moment.

There were seven different schools Princeton, Megar evars, Johnjay, Yale, Weslyan, Spellman, and PennState. Which one was Amora's school? I investigate Amanda's profile for like an hour looking through her friends list, and tracking the girls down on instagram, twitter whatever I could find. At around 3am, Amora could of only been accepted to Spellman, Yale, and Johnjay. Spellman was an all girl school... I said to myself she wouldn't dare... That night I was overcome by sleep. The next morning I started all over again. Stressed by the thought of having to transfer to Morehouse college a HBCU to find Amora at the sister school.

I couldn't find Amora, Naomi, or Jelissa so what was I gonna do? I paced back and fourth Johnjay, Yale, Spellman...Johnjay, Yale, Spellman...Johnjay, Yale, Spellman... then I remembered! I ran downstairs and popped open the filling drawers. I whipped out all my acceptance letters. There it was my acceptance letter from Yale University.

I had to go to Harvard in the fall but the love of my life was at one of these three schools, hell I had a 1 in 3 chance of finding her and that was better than having none. I ended up messaging Amanda asking her what school Amora had been accepted to. She took two months to respond... She wrote me Four letters YALE and her next message said good luck.

I hadn't seen Amora in almost a year, but she was the unconscious play write of my story. Where she went I wanted to follow. After I left for Harvard I focused solely on my grades I needed to maintain a competitive GPA to transfer.

I was nineteen. I couldn't sleep. Too much time was between Amora and I, and I wanted to be her past present and future.