The Art of Living

[31] Feelings and All of That Crap

But somehow it seemed to Ellie that Brian deserved to know, he should know. She wanted him to know because that possibly would help him understand her a little more, which she really wanted him to. She shook her head. "So far I haven't, no. Well, apart from my ex." She pressed her lips together and pulled her hand away from Brian's hold. She crossed her arms and legs, staring at her knee. "So.." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment.

"My ex completely screwed me over basically.." She shook her head and sighed. "It's not a fun story. And.." Ellie shrugged and uncrossed her arms, fiddling with her hands. "It's - I don't want to bore you."

Brian shook his head. "Ellie, you're not boring me. If you want to tell me then I'll listen to anything you want to tell me. Gladly." He placed his hand on her back, gently pulling her a little closer.

Ellie wasn't sure if that had been his intention, but she took it as an invitation to lean against him. She had hope that would comfort her a little. Brian wrapped his arm around her shoulder, inviting her even closer to him. Ellie really appreciated that gesture. Despite everything he still managed to make her smile a little. It did comfort her. "I still don't want to bore you. The short story is that- that he was cheating on me. The entire time we were together." Even though it had been years since that had happened, talking about it still brought that much too familiar pain back.

Ellie shook her head and rubbed her forehead, before she rested her head against his chest, closing her eyes, trying to shut out the images that were threatening to flood her mind. "And that just.. I don't want that again. Ever. I couldn't take it. And .. the only way not to have that, is not to give anyone power over me by letting them get to know me. The less the know the less they know how to hurt me. So.. I haven't been with the same guy twice since I broke up with my ex. Because I don't want to end up with another asshole."

Gently, as if wanting to make sure he didn't accidentally hurt her, Brian wrapped his arms around her and he gently rubbed her back. "I'm so sorry, Ellie. That's awful. That .. you really don't deserve that. At all. No one does. I'm sorry you were with such an awful person. He didn't deserve you. I can totally understand why you did that, why you don't want to give someone the chance to do that."

Ellie only nodded a little. She opened her eyes again, letting her gaze coming to a rest on her fingers that were occupied with exploring each other. She was incredibly glad that she had Brian, that Brian knew what happened to her now, that he understood her. That he didn't judge her for what she had done. In the beginning of their acquaintanceship the idea of telling him about herself had seemed like the most terrifying thing to her. 

But now? Now it was the complete opposite. She felt very comfortable around him, it felt like she could trust him. Because he wouldn't judge her quickly. Now she almost enjoyed him about herself. Scatch that. She definitely enjoyed telling him about herself. She did trust him. It was an incredibly strange feeling. But it felt good, really good. Ellie just sighed and closed her eyes again, allowing herself to give in to the gentle caresses of his hand, wanting to bring her even closer. "He was an ass.. He still is."

"He sounds like one. It's good that you're not with him anymore." He gently rubbed her back, his long fingers moving over her body slowly, very gently. "He didn't deserve you. You should be with someone who appreciates you. Someone who knows how awesome you actually are."

Ellie tensed up a little when she felt him softly pressing his lips against her temple. That was not what she wanted him to do. Or was it? It was certainly something that unsettled her. It made her feel funny and she didn't really know how to react at first. However, when his hand simply kept rubbing her back she allowed herself to relax again. It was Brian. It was so easy to relax in his arms..