Our Secret - a 'Sebson' fan fiction

Part Nineteen - Pleasure For One, Shame For Another

On the day of the Italian Grand Prix, one driver had a brilliant race; the other hardly had a race at all. 

Jenson climbed out of his car in parc ferme, punching the air from the excitement of winning the race. It felt brilliant to finally win a race again. He felt more adrenaline in him from winning rather than from the course of the whole race. Jenson ran over to the McLaren team members and jumped into their embrace. 

"Well done, Jenson!"

"Well done, mate!"

 The constant congratulations made Jenson happier than he'd ever been. Nothing could top it, well, apart for getting his hands on the trophy waiting for him up on the podium. Once giving his helmet to Dave, Jenson couldn't hide the grin on his face. The more drivers came up to congratulate him, the happier and more proud Jenson felt of himself. After he caught up with Fernando and Mark, who came second and third, they headed up to the podium together.    

 Meanwhile, down in the Red Bull pits all by himself was Sebastian. He was sat up on the side, fiddling with the sleeves of his race suit tied round his waist and stared at the empty space where his car would be. His race ended early due to the engine failing on the 10th lap, which was not what Sebastian or any of the team wanted to happen. He rested his head back against the wall, sighing deeply. He'd let the team down and that was all he could think about:

'You're a Red Bull driver, a three time world champion, and you go and ruin the race for everyone. Your team, your fans, and yourself. You should be ashamed.'

As he was alone and the garage door was shut down, Sebastian got down and walked over to the compartments where his helmets were kept. He'd managed to get his bag into the garage, hiding it behind one of his helmets in case he needed to get something important. He picked up the bag, placed it back on the side and unzipped it before pulling off his flame-proof shirt. Looking over his shoulders to double check that no one else was around, Sebastian pulled out his comforter; Jenson's t-shirt. He cuddled it close to his chest for a few moments before pulling it over his head. Sebastian listened as he could hear the chanting of the crowds outside:

'Jenson! Jenson!'

Pushing back the tears, Sebastian slid his arms through the race suit sleeves and zipped it back up. Even though he still loved Jenson, Seb didn't want anyone else seeing him in the McLaren t-shirt except Heikki; he was the only person, apart from Jenson, who knew about it. 

Jenson was down in the paddock talking to a few of the other drivers as their teams packed up for the next race. Sergio Perez, Daniel Ricciardo, Timo Glock and Lewis Hamiltion joined Jenson in conversation about today's race. Usually the drivers would be going their separate ways straight after a race but these few decided to stay a while. 

"Great job today, Jense" Timo smiled.

"Thanks mate" Jenson replied happily.

"You seem so much more focused on racing than before" Lewis added, "Focus like that is what helps you win races."

"Yeah, nothing on my back to steer me off track, so to speak" Jenson laughed.

"Damn, Jenson, that joke was awful!" Dan replied, crying with laughter.

"It couldn't have been that awful if you're laughing that hard about it!" Sergio added, laughing at Dan's reaction. 

 As the group were all in hysterics over Jenson's cheesy joke, Jenson turned slightly and looked across the paddock. The smile was soon wiped off his face. 

Sebastian was walking along the paddock, heading to the Red Bull motor home to get a lift back to the hotel with Christian. But when he walked past the Mercedes motor home, he stopped in his tracks. He watched across the path as Jenson stood with a few others, laughing and being happy. How Sebastian wished that he could interact with the other drivers like that again. But suddenly, Jenson turned and looked Sebastian dead in the eye. His happy expression soon turned to one of hate towards the German, glaring at him as if he were threatening him. It took a few seconds before Sebastian managed to unlock the stare and look down at his feet, continuing his walk to Red Bull. He didn't want to cry, not in public eye, but Sebastian could feel the tears in his eyes. He couldn't believe that one small, stupid mistake could cause so much heartache and pain. 

'If only I'd listened to Rocky...' 

After a slow, emotional walk, Sebastian reached the motor home and found Christian outside.

"Hey Seb, how are you feeling?" Christian asked, seeing Sebastian still looking as down as he did earlier that day. 

"Pretty shit to be honest with you, Christian..." Sebastian sighed sadly, not lifting his gaze from the floor. 

Christian frowned; he hated seeing him in this way. He placed his hand on the young man's shoulder.

"Come on, let's get you back." 

-WARNING: SOME READERS MAY FIND THE NEXT PART STRESSFUL. IF YOU DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE READING ABOUT SELF HARM THEN PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE. THANK YOU.- 

That night, Sebastian sobbed his heart out. He had no contact with anyone, not even Heikki, refusing to answer any texts or phone calls he received. Even if he was questioned about ignoring them, he already knew he would just lie and say he was asleep. He couldn't get over the glare from Jenson earlier, how much pain it caused him. It felt like being stabbed in the heart multiple times and it was killing him inside. But unfortunately, that was it, he couldn't take it anymore. The pain was becoming too much. Sebastian got up, opening one of the small cupboards in the room and picked up a plastic packet. Stuffing it into his pocket, he wandered out of the room and into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He pulled out the packet and ripped it open, taking out one of the sharp razor blades and placing the packet down on the side. Shakily holding his left arm out, he allowed the blade to glide over his skin, holding back the cries of pain, watching as the crimson liquid appeared and ran down his arm before dripping onto the tiled floor. As much as it hurt, the stinging sensation and heavy bleeding brought somewhat a feeling of relief to Sebastian. But as more tears and more blood fell, the voices in his head came back, taunting him with nasty thoughts:

'Look at you, you're so pathetic.'

'You're worthless and useless.'

'You're so unlovable.'

Sebastian set the blade down, unable to cope with the pain and the voices for another minute. He staggered backwards until his back hit the wall and sank to the floor. Sitting in silence, he looked down at his arm, glistening in the red solution and forming small puddles underneath it, like the small pool his foot was resting in.

Sebastian felt trapped, and there was no way of escaping this endless pain. 

A/N:

Ugh, so sorry it took so long to update this .__. and I also apologise if this isn't the greatest written chapter either, I found it really hard to put everything into the right words as well as trying to get Jenson more involved. I promise though that Jense will be a lot more involved in the next few coming chapters!! 

Amber xx