focus (discontinued)

"I just want perfection"

Jake left us at home- where I went to my room, watching a few videos on YouTube, hoping the evening would slip by quickly.

My mind still wondering- I clicked out of my video, going to Google

What is verbal abuse?

Verbal abuse is when a person forcefully criticizes, insults, or denounces someone else.

Well- I mean.

I quickly shut my laptop when my door was pushed open.

"Dinners ready." Mom spoke- almost looking to be in a good mood

I walked down- seeing a fucking huge plate of purely pasta.

"I want you to eat it all." She spoke, sitting at her plate of purely vegetables.

"And then you're going to tell me how you feel after you eat it all."

"I can't eat all of this" I mumbled, sitting at the plate.

"You need to- it's the only way you're going to get better." She spoke, stabbing her vegetable.

I rolled my eyes- leaning onto my elbow as I took small bites.

Let me just say- she was no professional chef.

"How's it feel to throw away all the hard work you've done the past five months?" She shot at me- which made the tears swell.

"I hope you like being chubby- maybe even fat soon." She spoke- making the tear roll down my cheek.

"Crying again?" She questioned me.

I wiped the tears quickly.

"Well I would cry too- it's okay." She spoke- standing to go into the kitchen.

I put my face into my sleeves- letting more and more silent tears fall down my face.

"Stop crying- eat your food." Mom spoke as she walked through the kitchen.

I ate a few more bites before she returned

"Look- already bloated and you only ate a quarter of the plate." She laughed, walking away from me.

"I'm done." I spoke, carrying my plate into the kitchen, setting it down.

I went into my room, shutting the door where I sunk to the floor.

I held my legs- crying into my knees.

Will I ever be able to live a normal teenage life?

I cried for hours- letting tears out that I haven't let out in years.

And I didn't even realize that I had stayed up all night until mom knocked on my door

"Wake up- breakfast is ready."

I showered quickly, throwing on Nike shorts and a long sleeve before going downstairs.

She had her normal smoothie made before she threw a plate onto the table- a very exaggerated and oversized pancake on it.

"Eat up"

I rolled my eyes, plopping into the chair.

I ate a few bites, sniffing lightly.

Mom returned, her eyes resting on me- but I never looked to her.

"I ask one thing out of you." She spoke, making me almost throw the fork across the room- which caught her extremely off guard

"Why the fuck don't you understand what everyone is trying to tell you?" I literally yelled- which felt weird, I've never yelled at my mom before.

"The certified fucking doctors are telling you I'm too skinny, you need to fucking accept that!" I now cried again as she stared at me.

"I just want perfection." A tear slipped down her cheek.

"Well- sorry to fucking disappoint you, I'm nothing but a big ass mistake." I cried, throwing the pancake away before returning upstairs.

"Get ready- we're going to the gym."

The car ride to the gym was insanely quiet.

Not a single noise besides the car engine.

We unlocked the gym- going into it.

I grabbed a protein bar as soon as we walked through the door

"Payton- you had breakfast." Moms voice spoke quietly.

"Suck my toe" I spat out, ripping the bar open- sitting into the waiting room chairs, biting into it.

"You have no right to talk to me that way!" She spoke very sternly, close to yelling.

I stared straight at her- chewing my bar to myself

I saw her roll her eyes- anger more than visible on her.

"You're going to go from fucking anorexic to obese in no time." She laughed loudly- walking into her office

"Yeah- maybe that's not such a bad thing right?" I shot at her- hearing the bell on the door ring, signaling that someone entered.

"I'm sure you and I both are praying that the diabetes will just kill me."