Spiderman/Peter Parker (and Avengers) One Shots

Drowning

WARNING! THIS IS NOT A SPIDERMAN/AVENGERS CHAPTER!! This is just me putting my emotions down into a weird chapter thing. Sorry for being emotional. I'm fine, just had an argument with my parents.
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Drowning. It's the feeling when a heavy weight is crushing your chest into the ground. The spasm of your lungs, desperately trying to get a scrap of oxygen.

It you have siblings you've probably experienced it. When your older brother holds you underwater just a little too long; ignoring your surrendering taps.

The same feeling can happen when your on land. The suffocating feeling of oppression. When you desperately want to speak out, to tell them they're wrong but being unable. If you do it'll just make it worse. Because it's your fault. There is no other alternative. You both can't be in the wrong; own up to what you've done like adults. No. That's not how it works. You sit silently, straining your strings to play to their tune.

You know how he is.

As if that excuses his actions. As if that makes anything better.

Yes. I do know how he is. I also know how he needs to think about what he should change about himself before trying to reconstruct me.

I am a ball of self-hate and cruel words woven together to destroy my own mind. I don't need you to tell me I need to think about what I need to change. I'm fully aware of my flaws and faults. I know them better than anyone else.

Now say three nice things about yourself, you tell me. In saying that you've acknowledged what I do to myself. My silver tounge lashing at my wounds instead of licking them to help them heal. You aren't allowed to use the same three things every time.

They're my only redeeming qualities.

Now three more nice things.

You know. So why do you sit by silently? Why tell me to think about how I acted? As if I was in the wrong? Sure, I could've worded it nicer. Kept a lighter tone. But I gave him a warning.

Who do you think you are? Talking to me like that.

I think I'm a mistake. I think I'm a waste of precious air. I think the condom broke and y'all just don't want to tell me.

There I go again. Three nice things... three nice things.

It's sad when you have to remind yourself to stay positive. It's even sadder when you have an easy time being happy only for a random and unprovoked burst of sadness to crush your mood.

You're doing better.

Am I? Is this better? What I'm feeling; is it better? I wouldn't know. It all feels the same. I'm happy and then everything crashes down around me and it's my fault.

You're being a bitch.

I am a bitch, my mind quips back. An instinctive reaction. Anything to degrade myself.

Is that better? If I stop saying all of this out loud does that mean I'm doing better? Is that what better is? Silence. Because if you cant hear it then it's not there? Out of sight out of mind I suppose.

Who knows? Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm just being unreasonable. Maybe they're right. I am doing better.

Three nice things Rachel.. three nice things.

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Ahhh, sorry. That was a bit dramatic wasn't it? I always just feel a lot better after writing down how I feel. I'm fine though! Like I said above, I just had an argument with my parents. No biggie.
Anyways. I have written out some chapters. I'm gonna try and remember to post them this Sunday so y'all (finally) receive an update from me! Sorry for the long wait! Love you guys!!
~Toodles!