Quaranteens

toilet paper

I was sitting on the toilet, innocent, unassuming, not exposed to the world's treachery. As I was pulling off a piece of toilet paper, I finished and flushed, looking over as I pulled up my pants to see an emptied roll.

No problem, I thought, I'll just grab another roll from the closet and replace it. That's all there is to it, right? Wrong, we are out of toilet paper.

"Code red!" I screamed, pushing things aside, looking for some forgotten roll of toilet paper, any semblance of an emergency supply we'd hidden from ourselves.

"Oh God!" I heard Mom faintly yell from somewhere else in the house. "What are we gonna do? I'm not going to the store," her voice slowly got louder as she made her way toward the bathroom.

"I'm not going either." We looked at each other for a moment.

"Ask Grace for toilet paper."

"They have four girls, they wouldn't even give us any if they had some to spare." Mom looked at the ground in contemplation.

"Isn't that Jeremy boy an only child?" 

"I...yeah I think so."

"Get. Toilet. Paper."

"You had ice cream, didn't you."

She only looked at me, mouth forming a thin line and her eyebrows lowering.

- - - - -

"You need toilet paper?" Jeremy asked, confused, leaning on the railing. He probably couldn't remember the last time he had to sit on the toilet, lucky fucker.

"Yeah, we just ran out this morning."

"How much shitting are y'all doing?"

"You know girls have to wipe, like, every time, right?"

"Oh, yeah, wow--that must suck." He just sat there for a second.

"So, can I get some rolls?"

"Oh! Yeah, hang on, dude," Jeremy popped off into his house for a little while, coming back with a whopping five rolls of toilet paper.

"Bro," I breathed out, laying my eyes on quilted gold, "is this three-ply?"

"Yeah, Mom likes the good stuff," he said in a cocky tone, passing over the rolls in a shopping bag.

"Dude, I love you, thank you so much," the words tumbled out of my mouth, my mind hardly even comprehending what I was saying.

An awkward beat passed.

"Thanks?" He confusedly responded.

"Anywaysseeyoulaterbye." I practically sprinted into the house, closing the sliding door behind me.

My heart is beating so fast, I think I'm having a stroke.