Confessions of a Teenage Alcoholic

Chapter 13

We accept the love we think we deserve... And sometimes, people push away the ones who care most because they don't believe they deserve the love.
-unknown

"Because you are." I say and his eyes drag up to mine. And you can see it in them, the sadness. And it's gut-wrenching.

Jackson knows I can read his face and just sighs, leaning his head back down on the steering wheel.

And I just watch him, I just sit here, in his car as he closes his eyes and breathes.

I want to touch him, I want to hold him the same why he has done for me so many times in the past. But I don't want to do anything that will disturb this moment.

Because I have no idea what he's thinking, no idea what on earth is running through this beautiful boy's brain. But I know I want to be here, with him as he sorts through the mess, I don't want him to push me away.

I can't pretend that I don't know anymore, that I can't see it written all over his face. I've been thinking somethings wrong, but it is so clear as I watch him now that it's his dark clouds.

The depression.

But I also know I may have made things worse, that if he was struggling before my return, then I have probably stressed him out so much more. But also, if I'm the only one that can see it, I'm so glad I came back.

Fucking hell, what would have happened if I didn't?

"You've been crying." He whispers and my hand instinctively goes to reach out for his face, but I pull it back immediately.

No Ivy.

"I was upset." I say softly back. My hands knotted in my lap as I face him.

"Because I'm an arsehole?" 

I accidentally laugh and he turns to look at me, finally.

"A little bit." I feel my lips tug up and so do his. It wasn't a smile, but it was something.

We slip back in silence but this time Jackson eyes are locked with mine as we just sit and look at eachother, but I can't stop my heart from picking up as I fall further down the hole of Jackson and his intensity.

His eyes.

Fuck.

"I don't want to talk." He says and I nod.

"Ok."

We could always do something else.

My eyes widen at my own intrusive thoughts and I shake my head slightly.

It's going to be really hard to try and make Jackson open up to me without falling back into old habits, old desires. Not for him, that's not I mean.

I mean that I've always felt this pull towards him and it doesn't just go away because he doesn't feel it anymore. I shouldn't feel it either, I knew this, but sometimes I do.

Sue me.

"I don't want you to leave either." Jackson whispers and I send him a soft smile.

"I'm not going anywhere." I promise. "I don't want anything from you. I don't want whatever happened last year between us to happen again. Jackson, I know you don't want that either. I just want to know that my old best friend is okay."

I say that with so much sincerity that I wonder what on earth would have happened if Lucy didn't disrupt us earlier? I know we have this chemistry, but I also know that we are both not willing to go back there. That's not what we want.