The Adjacent Room [h.s]

Chapter 8

This entire Sydney trip..actually I take that back. For every single day of the last 4 years, I've been falling down this never ending hole of Harry. I keep trying to claw my way out of the hole and pull myself up and run far away, but no matter what I do I end up falling down deeper.

The distance of the sidewalk between the lobby and the car can't be any longer than 2 metres, but the amount of fans squished on either side of our cleared walkway is impressive to say the least. The love Harry receives is truly astounding and it's a sight that never gets tiring, but today I can't appreciate it in the same way I usually do.

For the 2 metres we have to walk, I can barely plaster on a smile and I need time to process this sudden realisation..or more of an admittance. I want to sneak a look behind me at Harry just to watch him smile at his fans, but I force myself not to. Despite all his hurtful words last night and the fact he may not even want me as his assistant anymore, I can't help the way I feel about him.

I spend most of the 20 minute car ride with my head buried in my phone. I don't go on my phone much if it's not for work because I'm usually occupied with Harry, so this is really just an avoidance tactic. All things considered, I think I'm coping pretty well right now and I'm worried one more look from Harry may unravel my brave face.

When we arrive at the venue, Qudos Bank Arena, we enter through a backdoor to avoid all the fans. Usually I'd feel bad about this, especially when the show starts in 3 hours and there are people waiting here already, but my number of fake smiles are limited today and I can't give them away too easily.

I don't even see Harry once we make it inside, because he's already making his way to the green room. In a way I'm thankful for his quick departure because I can't see him. Not right now.

2 hours pass, and I spend most of it hidden in a dark corner in front of my laptop screen. For obvious reasons, I haven't spent much time working recently, and I have a hell of a lot of emails to catch up on. Most are from Harry's management wanting to know about his calendar for possible events, and other random emails - all regarding Harry. Usually before his shows I follow him around and we spend most of the time in his green room chatting and laughing, but today is not the day for that.

When I get focused on something it's hard to distract me, and today I'm using this to my advantage. My tunnel vision on these emails has allowed me to pass the time with relatively limited thoughts of Harry, even while his voice filled the whole arena and backstage area during sound check.

Just as I close the lid of my laptop feeling somewhat proud of my productivity, one of the stage crew comes over to me.

'Harry is on in 45 minutes. Can you let him know..you are his assistant aren't you?' Wow. I didn't know my reclusive behaviour was that noticeable. The questioning of my validity as Harry's assistant seems to be an ongoing trend now.

'Yeah I am. I'll tell him now.' It's lucky Harry performed at this venue last tour or I wouldn't have a clue where the green room is. Now I think back to our time in Sydney last tour, it all seems so much easier. A part of me wishes we could just go back to how it used to be, but today's admittance was inevitable and pushing down all those feelings wasn't doing me any favours. To be fair, admitting the feelings hasn't done me any favours either.

My thoughts are cut off when I read the 'Harry Styles' written on the door of his green room. Usually I'd just walk in, but today that feels far too informal. I decide to knock on the door.

'Come in!' Harry shouts. When I open the door, all the memories of the last tour come flooding back. The large painting hanging on the back wall that Harry and I made fun of, the brown leather couch where I threatened to pour water on him, the mirrored vanity we took polaroids in.