The Adjacent Room [h.s]

Chapter 39

The first night in my apartment, a Saturday, was the worst. I had to buy food and replacements for everything I'd left at Harry's house. I knew I'd have to go back to pack for Paris Fashion Week since Harry's house is home to everything I usually wear and use, but I couldn't bring myself to go back so soon. The first thing I did was call Eleanor that day, and ask if she'd like to come to Paris Fashion Week as my other guest, and she couldn't have been more excited. It was very late notice, but she didn't seem fussed in the slightest.

I barely slept. In part because I just missed Harry but also because his bed is so comfortable, and mine felt rock solid in comparison. I'm used to a bed that constantly smells like him, but my bed was just cold and smelt stale like dust, no matter how many times I washed the sheets. I became so used to his house that everything felt foreign in my own apartment, and I kept finding all these flaws. The couch wasn't soft enough, the fridge wasn't cold enough or my bed wasn't warm enough.

There was a constant dull ache in my chest that wouldn't go away. I avoided looking at my phone lock screen, my wrist with the butterfly, because both were reminders that made the dull ache turn into a much shaper pain that sometimes felt like it was consuming me. I felt almost pathetic for being so completely absorbed by Harry that I was acting like half a human when he wasn't with me.

I spent three days just in my apartment doing nothing. Everything reminded me of Harry, and I was trying to escape it, but he was everywhere. He didn't try to call or text me, and I wasn't sure if I was happy or sad about that, but I refused to call him. I always thought I was capable of being my own person, but I didn't realise how much it would hurt to not be with him. Even when we fought, I always wanted to be near him, but not this time.

I was in a rut and acting as though I was going through a breakup, and that behaviour continued when my mom arrived from New York. Since the fittings for the show guests were happening in L.A., she flew in on Monday and stayed at my apartment until we left for Paris on Thursday. I didn't tell my mom much about what happened, but she just hugged me and told me it would all be okay. I was surprised she didn't make any comments about how she wanted grandkids and how she wanted Harry to be her son in law, but my appearance was probably evidence to not go there.

The fitting on Tuesday was uneventful, and I plastered on a smile the whole time. Eleanor and my mom did a good job at keeping me distracted, but it was hard when I couldn't get Harry out of my head. Even then, I couldn't bring myself to take the necklace off, which was even more self destructive. I know it's not all his fault, but it's hard to not want to blame him for it. I didn't expect anything less from management, but I expected more from him.

I was styled in a black blazer dress, and matching open toe heels. The outfit was gorgeous, but it was hard to appreciate it fully. My mom decided on a black sequined long sleeve dress, which she looked beautiful in, and the styling team took advantage of Eleanor's long legs and dressed her in a black sequin belted jumpsuit. All the clothes and shoes were YSL, and I was in awe of being blessed with such an incredible opportunity and hated how I couldn't appreciate it fully. The stylists said our outfits would match the style on the runway, which made the whole experience seem more exciting.

I went back to Harry's house on Wednesday to pack for Paris Fashion Week since I'd been wearing clothes I'd left at my apartment all week. I purposely went in the middle of the day when I knew he would be at the studio, and it was hard not to be overwhelmed in a space that was so him. Harry has never been a messy person, and neither have I, so the house looked almost perfect to the untrained eye. But, the bed wasn't made, and a few of his hoodies weren't hanging up and there was a banana peel sitting on the counter.

After not being at the house for 4 days, everything seemed slightly unfamiliar. His smell was stronger everywhere, and the back garden looked much more in need of gardening than I remembered. When I opened the fridge, it was much emptier than I had ever seen it before. That scared me a little bit, so I went to Whole Foods and bought groceries for him with nothing better to do with my time. All vegetarian of course.