The Adjacent Room [h.s]

Chapter 41

Until you feel this type of pain, you don't know it exists. Up until three hours ago, I was unaware of it too. It's something that can't be put into words, and I'm so done with it that I'm not even going to try.

I'm exhausted, but my dreams seem scarier than reality and in order to try and escape from both of them, I went to the gym as soon as I got home. I boxed, because that seemed fitting for the situation, but that did nothing for me.

I've been back at my real home, my apartment, for two hours now. I can't sit still but I also feel like I can't move. My initial shock and denial has morphed into all consuming anger, and I can't think about him without wanting to scream.

For the last hour my phone hasn't stopped ringing with calls from Harry. He could be calling to tell me about his new 'mystery woman', or even deny the photo altogether or maybe if he's feeling nice enough, ask where I am since I should be at his house. Honestly, I don't actually care. I'm beyond angry at how I've been played for a fool, and for so long. Part of my anger is at myself for being so stupid, but that and the rest of it is being directed at him anyway. It's a way to block out the sadness, and I'd rather be angry. If I'm honest with myself, I know the tears are currently stuck behind my paper thin wall of red hot anger, but I'm going to let myself seethe for as long as I can, because the fall from here is one I'm not sure I can recover from.

Then, I hear a frantic knocking on the door. I know who it is without needing to look through the peephole. Kind of him to take time away from his new 'mystery woman' to come talk to the burden. Do I want to talk to him? No. Do I need to talk to him? Probably. Am I going to open the door? No.

The knocking becomes more and more frantic and I don't have any plans to open the door until I hear a sob from outside it, accompanied with a 'fuck!'. So, I get up and open the door, if only to ease his nerves on my whereabouts. Typical of him to go and bulldoze more plans of mine. I can't even say anything or look at his face before I'm encased in his arms and his head nuzzles into my neck. I hear him sigh and his breathing slow the longer he holds on, and no matter the circumstances, it hurts that this is the last time I'm ever going to listen to that breathing again. I hate myself for it, but I instantly soften in his arms. He smells like him, and he's warm and soft and safe..and skinnier than I remember? The wall I built is crumbling down in front of my eyes, and I refuse to let that happen.

'Stop, stop. Get off.' I weakly say into his chest. My own voice betrays me when I say it with the least conviction possible. I'm desperate to hold onto him because this is going to be the last time this ever happens, but I need to stop it before it gets too far. He doesn't seem to hear my response, because he holds on tighter and I feel salt water land on my shoulder. For once, it's not mine.

'I thought something happened. Why didn't you call me? I was so scared.' He cries into my shoulder, shaking in my arms. The world falls away for a second, and it's just me and Harry, like it always has been. But it never was just me and Harry. There was always another girl the whole time.

'I said get off.' I snap, much louder this time, taking a deep breath and pushing him off me. I have to do this, for myself and for him. He backs away, face dropping, and he blinks over and over again like this is some nightmare he wants to wake up from. It is a nightmare, just not for him. We stand there, Harry against the door and me in the kitchen, for a long time. The longer I watch him, the worse he looks. His eyes are hollowed out and don't have any life in them, his cheeks seem almost sunken, and it's obvious he hasn't shaved in a long time. It takes all my strength to not collapse into his arms, where all the darkness always seems to go away. 'I thought you were coming home..to..um, my house..home.' He stutters, voice hoarser than I remember from yesterday. What happened to him? He looks up and down and around the room and at all the boxes like he's forgotten what it looks like in here, and then momentarily closes his eyes like he's trying to block out the light.