The Adjacent Room [h.s]

Chapter 43

Sophie,

You're behind the door right now. I've been sitting out here for the last 3 hours and I don't know what to do or where to go. You're on one side of the door and I'm on the other and it's all my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I completely lost it and I wasn't even myself and I shouldn't have raised my voice. I lied about the girl. I'm not going to see her, she's not even real. I didn't plan to end up sitting outside your door for hours either, but I can't make myself leave. There's so much that I should've told you and I didn't because I was too scared. Now, I realise that I've lost you. I'm finding it really fucking hard to not just walk through your door with the key in my hand and tell you everything. But, that's not what you want.

What do you want me to do? I'm just so tired. I can't pay attention to anything lately without feeling like my head is going to explode, and I probably shouldn't be writing this right now but I need to. I've been nothing but a fuck up lately. I can't think straight. I'm crying and shaking and all the lights seem so bright. I should be able to just accept you don't want me, but I can't do that without throwing up everything in my empty stomach. I'm a mess when you're not here, but I'm even worse than usual right now.

It's cold and I just want to sleep but I never seem to get a spare minute, and then I can't sleep when I try. Can I be honest? I didn't sleep at all last night and I'm not sleeping tonight until I can talk to you in the morning. Please just let me talk to you. The wall is really fucking cold but I can't feel much of it. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore, but I just don't want to sleep.

I've had so much that I've needed to say to you that I couldn't get out. But now, you're so hurt and angry and I can't stop myself from wishing I could just be the guy you want. I guess you know that writing is what I do when I'm trying to work through something, so that's what I'm attempting to do. I guess I'm compensating for the fact that I can't actually talk to you by writing it down as though you'll read it. I even went back to my car and got the book I write in for this.

I could say that I regret falling in love with you, but the truth is that I don't. You've taught me to feel and love and so many other things. Now, it's all gone, and I hope all the effort you put into me won't go to waste.

I tried, I really did, to be who you want, but it's so hard when I am who I am. I'm so incredibly flawed, and so fucking toxic. You deserve someone who will be able to tell you how he's feeling and someone who can cope with not wanting to kill whoever you fall in love with and marry, knowing it's not going to be him. I've said it in my songs but I haven't said it to you, I'm jealous and I'm selfish.

You kept talking about this girl and I had no idea what you meant, but I guessed it was probably something in the media, so I googled it. A photo of me and a girl and it looks like I'm all over her and kissing her. I swear to you, that's not what it is. I did this to myself though, and it's not your fault you believe it. I'm such a fucking idiot. I love you, I hope you know that.

I want to explain that I wasn't doing what it looks like I was doing, but I don't know where to start and my head fucking hurts and it just sounds like a lie. I don't know how, when, or why that photo got out, but it's so far from what it looks like. The girl in the picture is Niall's cousin, and I've known her since the X Factor. She's in America right now and Niall invited her into the studio, and I was saying hello. I think the camera just got it at the wrong time, but I know what it looks like, and I sure as hell wouldn't believe myself. You can't see it from the photo, but it was all just completely friendly. She's like a sister. I swear I'll get you the security camera footage if you want it.

You've done so much for me since the day you walked into that room for your interview, but if you could please do one more thing for me, and just believe that I didn't cheat on you, then maybe I'll be alright. I need to know that you don't think I did that. Please just tell me you know that.