The Adjacent Room [h.s]

Chapter 12

I feel his body lean into mine at my words, and I find peace in the fact that they bring him calm. I  know that it's only because I'm familiar and constant in his life that he is comfortable enough to do this, but I let myself imagine for just one second that he's leaning into me for a different reason.

We ride the rest of the 15 minutes in silence, but it's comfortable. Everyone in the car continues to chat and laugh while Harry and I sit in silence beside one another, but nobody seems to notice. I can tell Harry is calmer than he was before, but I feel something in the air around us and I know there's unspoken words that need to be let out.

We arrive at the venue through the back entrance again, and walk in. I miss Harry's arm touching mine as soon as we leave the car, but I know that the more I slowly distance myself from the hugs and the little touches, the quicker I can try to move on. The memories of last night start coming back and I force myself to push them away, hoping I push them away far enough to never have to think about them again.

Harry leaves to go to his green room, and the band follows him down the hall to their shared room beside his. I want to follow him in, but I should organise things out here first. I spend my next two hours with the arena crew and Harry's team, helping to organise the night so it runs smoothly. We run through the setlist, and they talk me through the processes backstage. I take note to contact the dry cleaner to get Harry's suits dry cleaned from the two Sydney shows before we leave in two days, and organise orders for more merchandise. I should call the caterers for Harry's show in Brisbane too, to confirm all the meals are sorted. I figure there isn't much else for me to do, but it's better that I do something and try to make up for my self isolation and disappearance during the last show.

Just as I run out of people to talk to and little things to organise, I find myself standing at Harry's door with my hand on the handle.

'Is somebody out there? You're welcome to come in!' He shouts from behind the door. Harry has a sixth sense for knowing when people are taking photos of him, and apparently he has a seventh sense for knowing when people are lurking at his doors. I open the door and walk in, fast coming up with an excuse for why I'm here.

'Hi, I just wanted to check and see if there's anything you needed? I  can grab your food from the kitchen if you want. It's probably ready.'

'No that's alright. I grabbed it myself and I asked for an extra plate for you. Come sit down.' He says with a smile. He pats the empty space beside him on the couch, and points to the bowl of spaghetti on the table beside him.

'Oh thank you..I was actually really hungry.' It's the things like this that make it so hard for me to see Harry as just my boss. He always requests food for me when I don't ask at shows, and he always manages to pick the days where I'm hungry. I walk in and grab the bowl, making sure to stop myself from sitting too close. I take my first bite of the spaghetti, and I'm shocked at how good it tastes for having no meat.

'Do you remember when you threatened to pour water on me after I nearly fell asleep on here, last tour?' He asks between bites. Of course I remember. I'm certain that I remember every moment with Harry.

'Of course I remember that! I was thinking about that yesterday.' Shit. I probably shouldn't have said that.

'Oh really?' He teases.

'Yes really.' I may as well own it now that I've dug a hole for myself.

'I'm going on a date tonight.' He blurts out, and I swear my whole world shatters.

'Oh. With..with who?' I knew this day was coming, but I didn't think it was going to be so soon. I hate how this makes me feel, and I hate that it makes me feel anything at all. I am so sick and tired of feeling like this at the drop of a hat when it comes to Harry, but I know that I don't have the strength to stop working for him. I can't have him as more than my boss, so I'll survive on these little pieces of Harry and imagine that our time together isn't because I work for him. I want to scream and cry and run away, but I can't move. I am frozen in my spot. I miss Harry in a way that I never even had him, and I wish I could be his home, like the way he is mine.