remission • trixya

xiv

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- start of chapter -
once trixie walked out katya ran upstairs to see trixie as she left. she was looking at the ground in defeat as she walked down the pavement. katya frowned, she felt terrible.

small tear droplets fell off her cheeks and onto the carpet, leaving a small stain. katya aggressively rubbed her face to make all the tears go away but they kept coming back. she paced to the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror.

"what has happened to me?" she questioned her reflection in a dreaded tone, then shrugging as if she was taking to somebody else. katya could barely recognise herself anymore. since new years she'd felt so different, probably because she wasn't coping with drugs and alcohol, she was actually coping with facing her feelings instead of avoiding them and harming herself in the process- something she was new to experiencing and needed help along the way with. but without trixie it felt as if a whole chunk of her life had been precisely cut out. it was scary to think, to not have trixie in her life. the girl who genuinely made her happy and was there when she needed it, yet she blames herself for katya's relapse.

*

trixie arrived home after a long sorrowing walk. she slammed the front door closed and headed straight upstairs. tears fell down trixie's face as she paced up the stairs to her room. she couldn't believe what just happened. she had no idea katya felt that harshly toward her.

trixie faceplanted on her bed, scream-crying while her face was emerged in 2 large pillows. after a few minutes of very loud crying trixie placed her hands beside her and pushed up. she looked down at the pillow and saw that she left a stain of eyeliner and lipstick on the pillow. trixie huffed and kneeled on the bed, taking off the pillowcase and then making her way to the washing machine. she placed the pillowcase in the basket and head back to her room.

staring up at the ceiling, a site she was very much used to. everything is different now, there's a deadly virus going around; people are dying left, right and centre; and worst of all. katya hates trixie.

"you being like this is worse than if we were in a relationship", katya's voice echoed through trixie's head. usually it made her feel good, but in this case it just made her feel even more gloomy.

"shut up...just shut up." trixie muttered to herself as she laid on her bed with both hands placed on her stomach. trixie slowly started to close her eyes, drifting off into a sleep.

"what the fuck are you doing?!" the voices continued. "GET OUT! GET OUT!!" trixie's eyes shot open. with widened eyes she looked around her room. no one was to be seen. the only way got trixie to get any kind of mental rest needs to be done with some super loud music. trixie grabs her phone and puts shuffle play on for her favourite songs, she turns it to full volume and closes her eyes. trixie wasn't intending on sleeping, she was trying to not hear the voices in her head.

trixie waited for the song to start, she had no idea what song was picked. she just hoped it was a good one.

"COMO UNA GATA,
EN CÁMARA LENTA".
"C-COMO UNA GATA,
EN CÁMARA LENTA".

trixie sat up, she didn't remember adding any of arca's songs to her playlist. she didn't even like arca. katya loves arca, emphasis on love.

"C-COMO UNA GA-TA,
EN CÁMARA-"

trixie picked up her phone and skips the song.

a song by björk comes on, skip; a song by lana del rey, skip; a song by the runaways, skip. any music that katya liked or had listened to, trixie had to skip, which unfortunately was a majority of her songs since she's spent so much time with katya she grew to like her music taste. but right now, any song that reminds trixie of katya had to go.

"for god sake." trixie was at her final straw. she shuffle played the 'mozart study' playlist. classical music filled the room. trixie turned the volume back up and laid down as a soft piano played. after a couple mozart she sighed a breath of relief, she was finally at peace.

( i will not lie. i'm actually listening to mozart right now as i'm writing this.)

DING

trixie's phone went off. it was from pearl.

pearl liason.

[ i'm in town for a bit, u and
   katya wanna meet up? ]

trixie read the message over and over again. she threw her phone to the end of her bed and turned her body to away from her phone.

[ trix. you left me on read. ]

trixie looked back at her phone as it laid screen-first on the bed. she turned back around and laid her head on the pillow. now her ringtone was going off. trixie pounced toward her phone and turning off the ringer. she then laid back down and closed her eyes as mozart's immaculate piano compositions filled the room.

"i'm not interested in katya. no, nope, no." trixie kept telling herself. "i'm not- i'm not interested." she rapidly shook her head. "never been, never will be." she was now facing the ceiling. "but then why did i try to kiss her?" she questioned her motives since that was one of the reasons katya was pissed off. "why," she sat up and looked into her lap. "why did i try to kiss her?" trixie paused the music. she was sitting in complete silence in her room. the only noise that could be heard were the chirping birds outside her window.

"maybe- oh shit." she placed both of her hands on her face and kicked her feet all over the place. "i-i love katya?" she slowly moved her hands away from her face in realisation.

"i need to go see pearl." she hurried up out of bed, grabbed her belongings and left the house to meet pearl at their favourite cafe.