Perfect Storm

33- Tawny

My mind was all over the place while driving back up to the resort. It would think about one thing, and then, suddenly, it would go to another. And everything that kept coming to mind had me feeling happy, excited, thrilled, and loved. Or, confused.

Ian makes me happy. And I love how he does anything and everything to ensure that I am and keeps me that way when we're together.

I'm excited about how many paintings I have sold thus far, how art dealers throughout the country are begging for more, and how much the world seems to love my work.

I'm thrilled to know I'm finally making money from my artistic talents and thrilled to possibly be offering some of my other paintings to show and sell to the entire world.

Ian makes me feel loved, more loved than I've ever felt in my entire life.

Sad to say, but it's true.

Then, there's this. I'm confused about what happened with Ian last night. Ian asked me to marry him after our incredible lovemaking session, and my response to him has me wishing I had responded differently. And the more I think about my answer, the more upset I become with myself. And it has me thinking I should have said maybe, or we'll see, or even let's talk about this later. But, I also feel I should have said something like it's too soon to think about something this early in our relationship.

The look on Ian's face when I said no went directly through my eyes and straight into my heart. I hurt him, which hurt me. And that was something I didn't wish to do. Ian's been good to me, almost too good, that he didn't deserve the answer I gave him.

And the reason I feel that way is that I think about having a future with Ian all the time. Every night I dream about it. Every day, including all day long, my mind has me wondering what it would be like to be married to him, what our kids would look like, what our grandkids would look like, and everything else that comes with marriage.

Now I fear that telling him no was a huge mistake. And that he'll never ask for me to be his lifelong partner ever again. But I also think about how he asked me to marry him on a whim. And without a ring. So, my mind and heart also feel Ian shouldn't be that upset about my answer, either.

Maybe I'm overthinking this, but what else can you do while driving a three-plus-hour drive besides listening to music? You think about everything you possibly can—something I should have done weeks ago instead of going to the Dells by myself.

Thankfully, Ian stayed behind instead of driving me like he originally wanted to do because I needed this time to think about what took place yesterday evening and last night. However, I feel a little guilty for taking off in a hurry, like I did when Ian kept saying there was something he wanted to talk to me about.

Sensing he wanted to talk about asking me to marry him, and how I didn't feel like talking about it, I left.

Typical me always seems to be running away from my issues instead of facing them. But, on the other hand, I technically didn't run away, either. I still needed to get back to the resort to grab my paintings for Isaac and Andrew's Monday morning presentation.

Ian must have been timing my drive because the second I walked into the trailer, a message from him came in.

Ian: Are you planning on coming back tonight or tomorrow?

Me: I'm a little tired, so I was sort of thinking about heading back to your house tomorrow. But if you want me to, I can always still come back tonight.

Ian: No, that's okay. I think it would be best that you come back in the morning, anyway. That's a lot of driving for one day. And we didn't get much sleep last night.