Sea green eyes

5 - Doomed to die

I stare out the window of the train, watching the sunset as I tap my pen against the wall. After the reaping, the peacekeepers grabbed Dlain and I, bring us right back to the train.

I never got to say goodbye.

So now I'm sitting here, trying to put words onto paper to justify what I did. I know my family will see it as a betrayal, and honestly I see their point. We could have been a family forever but instead, I choose to sacrifice myself. Well that's how my father will see it anyway, and I'm sure Tom will be persuaded to think the same. It doesn't matter whether I survive these games, this letter will always be a goodbye.

I'm so distracted by my thoughts that when the door opens I almost have a heart attack. Spinning around, my palm instantly goes to the dagger on the chair leg.

Fucking hell, I'm not even in the arena yet and I'm already paranoid. But it's only Sara, who's been chosen as a mentor, standing there, looking at me. Simply... Looking at me. In my state, I can't be bothered to pick apart her expression so I just cross my arms and wait.

"Well, are you going to say anything or just stand there menacingly?"

"I..." Sara scans me. "Izack wanted you to come watch the other Reapings."

Not much of a thank you but sure. I stand and start to walk out but Sara grabs my wrist. I tense.

"Kas... I... Thank you." her eyes flash, and I see every word she couldn't say out-loud in there. In answer, I simply grab her hand and squeeze, before walking down the corridor.

---

Gloss. Cashmere. Brutus. Enobaria. Beetee. Wiress. Annie- no, Mags. Odair. Dlain, me. Two morphlings. Johanna. Blight. Woof. Cecelia. Mariaty. A Victor I don't know. Verialy. Pax. Chaff. Seeder. Katniss and Peeta.

For over an hour, I watch as so many of my friends ascend the stage to their deaths. Gods. How am I going to kill these people?

Sitting on the couch, I close my eyes, envisioning Johanna bleeding out before me, Mags choking slowly. Cecelia's children watching her throat being ripped out. I can almost feel the impact of a blade on flesh as I envision Odair falling in front of me, my blade in his chest.

Bile rising, I jump out of my seat, running to my room and into the bathroom. Kneeling before the toilet, I throw up, body shaking. Geez. I haven't cried since my games, but even now, my eyes water.

My hands quiver and I grasp them together, trying to stop the movement.

A bloody knife dropping from my fingers.

No!

The girl from four's dead eyes staring at me from where she lays, throat cut.

NO!

The boy from two begging for mercy as I stab him through the heart, blood spraying over my smiling teeth.

The sound of her cries as she sobs, begging me not to kill her. That little thirteen year old girl's scream as I stab her through the heart.

STOP!

I scream softly, and tense as I hear someone behind me. As soon as light fingers touch my back I twist, kicking out the person's legs and pinning them to the floor. They retaliate and I catch a glimpse of red hair as I'm thrown off their chest into the wall. I leap to standing, eyes meeting Sara's. She doesn't speak, just simply walks up to me and wraps her arms around me. I tense, but slowly sink into the embrace.

We must have stood there for at least an hour before Izack enters, announcing with his usual falsetto that we have officially arrived at the Capital, and that my prep team will be arriving in five minutes.