sunsets after dark. | poetry collection

312. - 315.

312.
I didn't understand why I let you treat me as badly as you did.
Why I let you.
Why were the rose colored glasses glued to my face that I couldn't see the blazing red flags in front of me.
Why did I ignore them.
Why did I think I could change you and make you the person I'd always dream of.
To mold you to fit into the fairytales of Prince Charming.
But I couldn't.
I couldn't change someone that didn't want to change themselves.
And you didn't.
So I walked away.
And never looked back.
~E, blind sighted.

313.
Some people don't understand how hard it is to simply walk away from a person they wanted to be their one and only.
The person they wanted to wake up to in the morning.
The person they wanted to make memories with.
The person they wanted to laugh with.
The person they wanted to spend forever with.
For them to fall in love all over again.
How much I wanted to turn around and run into arms that wouldn't hold me.
Those arms didn't know how to hold someone.
Those arms were covered with thorns that would spike my body and bring pain instead of comfort.
Drawing blood in small amounts as it dripped and dripped down my arms, back, chest, and body.
I didn't care if I hurt or was in pain.
I was with you and that's all that mattered.
When all I wanted was to be comforted by the arms that hurt me.
~E, the impossible embrace.

314.
I could never just be causal with you.
We could never be just friends but friends that flirted with each other and talked hours into the night.
Friends that couldn't be just friends but could never be more than that.
I wanted to be buried in your skin.
I wanted to crack open your rib cage and bury myself deep within your vital organs.
To become a part of you.
Being a part of your daily routine.
Your daily life.
I wanted to be apart of it.
So bury me within you.
Take my heart, soul, and mind.
But please don't leave me behind.
~E, nothing was ever causal on how I felt.

315.
"It has to get worse before it gets better."
My friend told me once after I told her about the keloid on my nose ring.
Saying how one day it was fine and seeming to go away then the next it was bleeding then it started to get smaller and smaller.
"It has to get worse before it gets better."
She told me.
What if I just wanted a straight shot.
I wanted to get better then stay better until the ends of my days.
Why am I destined to crash and fall.
Why am I prone to relapse.
Why couldn't I just stay better.
~E, no longer talking about keloids.