He was my Smoke,

Chapter four - I saved him because... -

Four:

I sat silently by the window watching the empty dark streets, I couldn’t sleep once again and I wasn’t angry about it. I could feel the energy draining out of me but I still couldn’t care, I wasn’t lusting after drugs and that was the most important thing to me.

The sun was starting to rise leaving a kiss of orange to spread at the horizon and I watched it with a smile on my face. It was peaceful and magical, the way the light fell on everything making it beautiful. the pinkish hue that left this effect afterwards, It was beautiful and it made me live in peace.

A picture of Alec was between my fingers, I haven’t seen it for a very long time and when I was cleaning my things I found it inside a jacket’s pocket. He was smiling in that picture, no agony or hidden dirty secrets. He was obviously clean as well as sober and it put a smile on my face. But I couldn’t shake off the memories of him reaching out for me while holding a folded cigarette, he pulled me down and I felt he loved me to do it so I complied.

Sometimes I ask myself why I was so weak to think drugs were the answer. Sometimes I think why anyone would think drugs are the answer. I mean, right now I am not using drugs nor am I drinking alcohols but I am standing. School is a bore and friends have been changed but I am standing, my family treats me worse than they do with the dirt on the ground and yet I am standing. I’ve always been standing without drugs and then when I tried the secret effect of drugs I was fooled to think that they made problems vanish, even though every time I sobered up or ended up clean I felt disgusted at how foolish I was because I was slapped with the truth that Problems were still there.

As the sun started flirting with the skies by appearing bit by bit, people started dispersing from their houses and I sat watching it with wonder, how humans could be always in one place united at night but at day every one goes on with their lives. It was like we were tricking ourselves with the idea that we have one life, that in reality we had two lives, one with our families in our homes and one outside that environment.

Noise coming from the hall passed through the door and I understood it was time to get dressed and in a couple of minutes, I was standing in my jeans and a random top I found on the table beside my bed.

The day before when I talked to Natalie, I was overwhelmed with the extent of my excitement. She was a nice change from all the people I got to hang out with during the past year and she was one of my favorites now. Knowing that she had a gangster brother totally won her a couple of stars in my mind since the idea itself is just extremely dangerous and erotic.  

She was –along with some other reasons- why I wanted to go to school.

Later when I reached school people watched me and whispered things, maybe they were related to me and maybe they weren’t but in both cases, I didn’t really care.

Whether you do good or bad, they’ll talk. It’s an ugly truth that we learn to beautify with time but it’s always there staring right back at you as you attempt to stare at life in the eyes.

Natalie’s blonde head appeared through the crowd and I smiled as I lifted my hands to wave, her head turned as if she felt my presence and she smiled at me urging me to walk to where she was standing. A couple of guys were standing next to her talking about something while laughing and playing fights. A slight smile was planted on my face as I watched them act childish.

“Hey Natalie,” I said happily, she raised her eyebrow,” you’re happier than yesterday, did something happen?”

I shrugged and realized she was correct; I was actually more comfortable in my skin than ever and it was something that encourage dthe feeling of happiness and acceptance to grow. The guys stopped and looked at me and then at Natalie.