More than friends, less than lovers

The Choice

Come take my heart of glass 

and give me your love 

I hope you'll still be there 

to pick the pieces up

/Fragile - Kygo ft. Labrinth/

I breathed in, in desperate need for air in my lungs. This is what sucked about anxiety attacks, you couldn't control them in any way possible, as well as you couldn't predict them.

And here I was - dressed in my perfect red dress, in front of my perfect, soon to be ex class and every teacher and parent that helped us all go through the whole school experience.

Sadly I wasn't in the best position.

I knew this moment would come, but as I felt his eyes piercing in my body, trying to find something that would make him less confused about the situation I was in.. I knew I had to be strong.

Because if you love someone, you have to set it free. If it comes back - it loves you, if not - it was never meant to be.

Or maybe I was just dumb, because if was clear this would destroy everything.

Forgive me Nick, I whispered to no one in particular.

"Thanks for the long wait," I said awkwardly smiling at the public in front of me , "I'm of course going to the same university as my best friend Jack and will study in art and design."

Okay, now keep calm, Jane. Do not fucking break in front of them.

I turned around, letting the next person come to pick up his diploma. But as I turned, all I could look at was him.

He was staring at me and I could see the anger, disappointment and confusion in his eyes. But most importantly it was pain. I had betrayed him. The only person he loved, counted on had betrayed him.

Feeling tears fill my eyes, I quickly returned to my seat, noticing him shaking his head in denial.

Of course he couldn't quite believe that his girlfriend for such a long time just threw away all their future to be with her best friend.

Will he forgive me?

My brain said no without thinking about it a second.

He is going to be in California, while me.. in the UK. I would be stupid if I thought he would still want to be in long distance relationship after all I've put him through.

It would be cruel.

Yet still my heart could only think of one thing.. Hope it is.

Stop it, you're in the middle of your damn graduation yet you're thinking about boy issues. Wake up!

And so I did, confusingly looking around as everyone had already started to take pictures and I was the only one sitting on the stage.

He had left.

I shook away the thought of chasing after him just like in some romantic japanese drama.

I put on the best smile I could in my condition and left the stage to take pictures with my class and family.

**

My heart was barely pounding while my breathing got heavier. I was standing in front of his door, helpless and in fear not knowing how he will react.

I assumed for him to cry, be hurt by my decision and betrayal.

Here I go.

I picked up my.. His keys an unlocked his door.

Immediately my legs made their way to the bedroom. To say I was scared and felt bad was an understatement. I stopped for a second looking down at my hands that were currently shaking.

I went inside the bedroom, looking at nothing but bed.

You might think it was completely normal, but it really wasn't.

Quickly opening the bathroom, I saw nothing but bathroom. No towels, no shower gels, nothing. I ran to the closest closet, finding nothing there. It was empty.

This place was empty. 

That made me think if it was only this place that was empty or was it me.

I had come here in hopes of closure, new begging, restart, anything. Not this. He had left me before I had left him.

And the worst thing was the fact that I knew it was what I deserved.