HIRAETH

ONWARD

"Nathaniel Prichard - Son, Husband, Brother."

I stare at the stone. The wind whistles around me as a single tear escapes the barrier I spent the last year building.

I quickly wipe it from my cheek and blink away the remaining tears that had yet to fall.

Nathan always said if I cried over him too much he would come back to haunt me. I always laughed and told him he would outlive me.

Truth is, when it comes to cancer, no promises can be made.

"I'm finally going." I tell the cold gray stone as if it's a direct line to Nathan.

"I'm finally going to leave this town and you will be the only reason for me to look back."

I spent so much time in our marriage longing for a different life. When the beautiful one that was standing in front of me slipped slowly through my fingers, I felt a guilt so deep and suffocating that I spent a year trying to figure out if I should join Nathan in the ground.

I came very close.

"Interestingly enough," I continue, "I'm going to be a nanny for Sebastian Stan." I laugh at the words.

I had spent many years as a fan of the actor and on a recent trip with friends, I happened to be able to meet him.

He had expressed concern that he wouldn't be able to find a nanny for his daughter because even though she looks like an angel, she had a mean streak.

Something she must have gained from her mother.

"I wanted to come visit before I left since I don't know if I will be back." My voice and heart cracked at the same time.

Nathan had been my closest friend and my greatest love. I didn't want to leave him here. Knowing how far away I was going would keep me up at night. But, I knew if I didn't go, Nathan would never forgive me.

He loved the fact that I loved to travel. He pushed me to save money so that we could travel more. He wanted me to see and do everything.

He truly was my best friend.

What I would have given to have him travel with me one last time.

"Anyway, I just wanted to say I still miss you." I smile a little as I try to ward off the pain I feel. "You will always be mine. Nothing can ever change that. I can't thank you enough for everything you did for me and with me. I know that even though I'm leaving, you'll still watch me. Hell, you'll probably be laughing at me as I try to figure out this new life." My smile grows as the tears return. I let them fall this time.

"You take care of our baby up there." I close my eyes and imagine Nathan holding our baby. I lost it so early we never even saw an ultrasound, but I can still imagine it. Nathan holds a perfect child with green eyes like mine. It has a light brown shade of hair to match mine and Nathans. It more than likely inherited Nathan's naturally tan skin, leaving me to be the pale one of the family. Go figure.

"I miss you both so much." My hands finally wipe away the tears as I compose myself.

"I love you." I reach down and rest my hand on his stone. I read the words over and over as I try to prepare myself to finally leave.

All of my belongings are packed. I leave tomorrow for New York to start this new and strange life.

Coming to this graveyard and talking to Nathan has been keeping me sane. It's comforting for me.

But, as the cold October wind cuts through my sweater, a colder feeling settles in my stomach.

I take my hand off the stone and turn towards my car.

I refuse to look into any of my mirrors as I drive back to the house that we lived in. It sold three weeks ago and tonight is my last night there.

I don't bother turning on any lights as I walk through the already dark rooms.

I don't want to see the memories. I don't want to hear the laughter. I don't want to look at the walls we painted.

I don't want to feel the home we created together.

All I want is to sleep and leave. To start over.

My eyes burn the next morning as the bright sun pours in through the window.

My phone says 6:07am. I have a long drive ahead of me.

After pulling up my hair, putting on minimal makeup, and putting on my favorite black skinny jeans and most comfortable hoodie, I lock the door to our house for the last time.

I walk to the front yard and stare at the house we were once so excited to buy and make our own. I refused to cry. I was carrying so many happy and beautiful memories with me.

Getting in the car and driving away was much easier than I had expected.

As the trees passed outside my window, I listened to our favorite music.

The miles slipped by with time and I found my mind wandering and landing on a single word I had discovered recently.

Hiraeth.

It is the meaning of missing a time, an era, or a person - including homesickness for what may not exist any longer.

And that is exactly how I feel.