HIRAETH

Twenty Two

The next week goes by in a tense blur.

Sebastian spends his free time either talking to his lawyer or sleeping. He has practically stopped eating and claims he "doesn't have time". I have tried everything short of prying his mouth open and shoving it down his throat. We haven't even had sex and that's his favorite thing to do.

To say I'm worried about him is a major understatement.

Then, there's Aurelia.

She is angry and confused as to why her daddy is spending so much time away from her. I try my best to keep her calm so that she doesn't blow a fuse. But, I get where she is coming from. I miss him too.

Today, Sebastian has an interview for his movie and Aurelia and I have decided to stay in the apartment. Aurelia has a cold and doesn't need to get out anyway. It's been snowing for the past few days in New York and its done a number on the little girl.

We sit excited in front of the TV ready to watch Sebastian's interview that starts in a few minutes when my phone vibrates next to me. It's Sebastian.

"Hey." I say, smiling.

"Can I talk to Aurelia?" He asks quickly without acknowledging me. Ouch.

"Aurelia, your daddy wants to talk to you." I say as I hand her the phone. I listen as they talk about the interview and how excited Aurelia is to see him on TV. I can't help but feel hurt that he didn't even say hello to me. I know sometimes he is in a hurry but he always at least says hello.

Aurelia hands me back the phone after saying good bye and I press it back to my ear.

"Sebastian?" I say and hear a click.

He hung up.

Oh.

Okay.

"Aurelia I'm going to go to the bathroom for a minute." I say as I move off the couch and head into Sebastian's bathroom.

I look at myself in the mirror. I notice I have put some weight back on since I've been eating regularly and I sit down a lot while playing with Aurelia. My hair is always up out of my face or braided so that Aurelia isn't trying to stick Play-Doh in it or cut it. I rarely wear make up unless we go out. Am I really becoming so unappealing that he won't even say hello to me?

No. Don't think like that. Sebastian loves you. Alexia is just distracting him from his life.

I look down at my hands and back into the mirror. I can see how tired I am from staying up late, trying to help Sebastian. Even when he is absolutely exhausted he is trying to figure out something to get Alexia off his back.

All of this mess with her has done a number on everyone in this apartment.

Why couldn't he at least say hello?

The emotions that have been building for the past week finally bubble over the barrier and I break down. I slowly sink down in front of the counter as I let the emotion out through my eyes and try to keep myself quiet so Aurelia doesn't come looking for me. What is happening to us? Is Sebastian as okay as he claims? Does Aurelia think her daddy hates her? Is this all my fault? Maybe Alexia wouldn't be such a bitch to them if I wasn't here. Maybe Sebastian wouldn't feel so stressed if I just left. Aurelia wouldn't have to worry about me stealing her daddy away. Maybe things would be easier.

I realized I hadn't thought like this since Nathan had died and I felt like I was a burden to everyone around me.

I cry harder. My body shakes as I feel the inevitable panic attack. I try to slow my breathing and fold my arms around myself, squeezing my sides. I do my best to take slow, calming breaths.