Never thought I'd write here again.
Turns out the road to healing is so much more than just sheer determination; it's painful. lovely, dreadful, scary, dark, and at times, rewarding. But most of the time, I have no clue as to what's going on, and at some point, I honestly wouldn't prefer to heal anymore.
Well, usually I would brush it off until it no longer hurts.
Can I ever, you know, heal? God, I feel like each time I do something right, I am one step further away from healing. Each time I do something wrong, it felt like I am two more steps closer to losing myself. Then what am I supposed to do?
How long do I need to heal, to find myself and to let go? Which one of those I should prioritize? I think it's damn clear now that I can't do all of those things at once. Sure, I know that I am blessed with a lot of people praying and helping me along the way. I am lucky and forever grateful for them.
But as days passed, it felt like my words in the past are catching up to me. One of the things I said to her was that if she ever left me, I might die. And at the time, it was said in the heat of the moment, and although we both didn't believe it in entirety, but I sure believe that it will destroy me.
And I don't think my past instincts are ever inaccurate. I might not be completely destroyed, but I am sure that I'm never this fucked up. And my suicidal thoughts are getting even more and more frequent each day, and I don't think it would be easy for me to brush it off anytime soon.
Alright, this has been a dark rant so far. Change of topic. I've been listening to Gracie Abrams, and she would be my defining artist of the year. She's cute, her voice is lovely, her lyrics are relatable and most importantly, she's gorgeous as heck. I love her, I guess.
See y'all soon, I guess.
