I don't know what to do anymore. Or what to feel. Or what to make of it. This emptiness and this...numbness I have been dealing with. The cards, the odds, the colors; it all seemed like it has been stacked against me.
This time, it really feels like my flame is finally extinguished.
And this time, it's not me who smothered the fire, but it is most definitely me who will suffocate in the smoke.
I have no more plans for tomorrow. No more goals to chase, no more dreams I can cling to. I prefer a normal death over this, honestly. It scares me. If this is truly the last days of my life, then it has been very, very sad. Very uneventful, really.
It doesn't help that every time I close my eyes, I can see them. Regrets manifesting themselves in the form of desire, and guilt disguising themselves as hopelessness.
What can I do except to keep breathing? This is not survival. This is not even worth being described as surviving. It feels like I am just taking it all in. One bullet at a time. Fired from all directions, ravaging my flesh and shattering my bones.
I wish I have the bravery to end it all, but I don't.
What can I do except to just close my eyes?
