Honestly, it felt like a dream.
The past year, everything happened so fast that it just went right through my brain and my heart. Some of the memories would pierce through them; shattering whatever's left of my sanity and crumbling whatever's left of this...heart of mine.
So many betrayals, so many feelings, so many things for me to run away from.
But I guess that's a privilege in itself, isn't it?
I can afford to just run away from everything (albeit not permanently) and just enjoy whatever I want to do, well, until one point where I eventually have to do something about it anyway.
Life's great now, I guess. My relationship's going good, she's sleeping while I am writing this, and my family's stable too, nothing serious going on, love is being expressed and felt more now, at least we're trying to.
But now that I am back to the place where I first crumbled and cried my heart out, facing weeks of intense nightmares...I cannot stop thinking about how it all might come back. I learn psychology, and I am well aware of how much mental dissonances and problems can affect a person's growth and stability, but that's all just theories, you know? Experiencing them like this...is just so damn scary.
Depression, anxiety and everything else is different, you know? You knew that you harbor a certain kind of hostility towards yourself; and your consciousness perfectly gets that, but when it happens in your subconscious mind, while you're sleeping and out of control, it just hits different.
Oh, I never really told you guys specifically about the nightmares I had, didn't it? It was nothing special, you know? No ghosts crawling or screeching, begging you to drag yourself down to Hell with them. They were just normal dreams about the people I love in my life, past or present tenses included.
Until it wasn't a normal dream anymore, and I woke up, realizing I am in another dream. I guess the term for it is recurring nightmares. Or night terrors.
Well, we should not get all technical because I am scared that it might just come back and haunt me again if I keep talking about it so carefreely.
But this is the room, though. The same messy room that we used to keep our junks, a storeroom, if you wish to call it that, with a lot of boxes, racks, useless things that we might never use anymore, ever. I sleep here because I share a room with my little brother, and sometimes I want privacy because it gets tiring when you're someone with chronic avoidance issues, you know?
And within these walls, I received my most hurtful heartbreak, my lowest point of emotions, everything negative that has ever felt or happened to me were all captured quite adequately in my mind. There were some positive things too, but it was all just almost in vain, or certainly feels like it.
If you ask me whether if I am okay, as of right now, I don't know. The past struck a fearful chord in my heart for me to learn anything from it, the present seems so hopeless and gloomy with chaotic storms always approaching in various directions, and the future has never seemed more distant than it ever was before.
I am also worried about my little brother, though. He's going through some dark stuffs too, and I don't know how to help him without getting my emotions in the way of supporting him with the love he sorely needs.
I might fail as a brother. At least if I am never good at being anything else, I want to try to not be a failure to my siblings anymore. I've hurt them enough.
I just hope that it will all work out somehow. I am tired of trying too hard, so I will let the river of life flow to its destination and perhaps, we might find ourselves a good place to dock one fine day.
