Last night, it was a grave reminder for me that therapy will never work.
Not because the problem was unsolvable.
Not really because I was too clever.
Also not because I was too destructive.
Or beyond saving.
No. Not any of it.
It was because the problem is...excruciatingly simple.
And yet nearly impossible to solve. Nearly impossible to save, and nearly impossible to move forward from.
And almost impossible to forget.
That's the keyword, if you missed it.
Nearly.
Almost.
Therapy is a trick. It's a professional trick for those who are incapable to see things as they are, too deluded or too hurt to even see the truth. Am I telling you that it doesn't work?
No.
Some people are too deeply in pain that they are unable to see things as it is. Therapy, as a trick, provides you to see the consequences of facade without engaging directly with the hat, the rabbit, or with the magician. A therapist are never supposed to give you their own personal opinions. You know why? Because the trick is your own mind. It always was, and always will be. Therapy is just an extensive way, a persuasion from a stranger who is qualified and trained to see the patterns of your mind, to make you view things from a different angle.
It hurts me because I can see things from all of the angles. And yet no matter where I choose to stand, I will still feel hurt standing on either sides.
No matter how close I am to the sea, the sky or the sun, or no matter how far I am from the waves and no matter how close I am to the light, I know it that this darkness will prevail.
If there's one good thing, sometimes, I can be hurt while throwing away my gaze on the horizon.
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of the people I hurt while I was hurting. I truly apologize. I have no intentions to hurt any of you. I am too much in pain and at times, I can't even see my reflection in my bathroom mirror. I thought it was all the fog from the hot shower, but turns out I am just incapable of looking back at myself after all of the losses I suffered.
Some people arguably lost more than me. And they're still going at it, left and right, marching towards their dreams.
But I lost enough to be defeated. Left and right, I am marching towards my own nightmare.
P.S: Also, can anyone guess what my secret favorite colour is?
