I know I don't need to have everything figured out right here, right now.
But I have this impending feeling that somehow, deep inside my mind, I know I figured it out. As much as I hate myself, I know I am that intelligent to see the patterns.
Or at least, succumb to my own destructive pattern.
I think everyone knows, at this point, that my love for you is endless. Maybe it doesn't have to manifest in the same way anymore; well, because you don't want me anymore, but I can manifest it in different ways. To always be reminded of you. To always think about what we had, and what we could be. To always blame myself for everything that happened.
Sometimes, it gets hard. Really hard. The memories treated me like I am just another stop in their endless journey, they come and go as they please. No tickets, no reminders, no announcements. As free as they want to be.
But those thoughts, they made me reevaluate my choices. I keep saying to myself that I will manifest those feelings for you in different ways because you don't want me anymore, and not the other way around.
Okay. Let's face the reality. Do I still want you? If you ever come back, and apologize, and genuinely want us to be together again, would I forgive you and forget everything that ever happened?
I don't think so. I don't want to live the rest of my life with someone who'd disrespect me and come back apologizing like that. And I know that you would also agree to that, which I know would make it impossible for you to come back like that. You're too prideful to ever do that.
Then what's the deal here? What do I, myself, want?
I don't know. I feel like I just want things to go back the way it was...plus my current wisdom. Well, there you go, that's one problem figured out; wishful thinking.
Do I want to keep punishing myself like this? No. But I can't help it. It hurts so much even without my own self putting pressure on my own heart. So why not add on extra toppings, right? It's a good opportunity.
Am I using this as an excuse to mask my self-doubts and insecurities, therefore I would always feel inferior after this particular tragedy? Meh. I don't think that's the case. I'm good now.
I lost my train of thought, it left the station before I can board it, again. But fuck you for thinking you could break me.
