Who am I kidding, Athena?
I miss you. I've missed you long before you declared your love for me.
I've missed you all the time when we were together.
And I am still missing you even after you don't love me anymore.
You told everyone that you've been doubting us for a long time, and now you've decided that maybe I am not the one you want. What if it's me being inadequate, and I need to improve myself? What if you are still in love with me, and you're pushing that feeling down because of everything that had happened?
Auntie told me to not dwell on the past and the possibilities of what could have been. She's right.
Allah is with me, and He is trying to tell me something. Something I cannot quite process now, but I know I will be able to, one day. I deviated from His path for a long time, and He wanted me to come back by giving me this pain, because apparently showering me with blessings makes me careless.
I am proud of you. You took a leap of faith, believed in me, and gave me a chance to be with you for the past 3 years. But maybe I wasn't the best for you; I depended on you more than you ever needed me. And I am honored that you cared that much for me that you'd try.
I thank you, and I love you for that.
Honestly, I don't know why I am still writing. Maybe I needed to find some sort of closure on my own, maybe to convince myself that I can live without you or whatever. Maybe I just need a distraction from thinking about you, but it's kind of stupid to write about that one person you want to distract yourself from. Maybe I need to express this love somehow, now that I can't express it to you anymore.
I don't know.
But one thing I know is, I've always loved you and I will always love you. But you won't love me back, maybe not now, maybe not ever.
But I want to immortalize this love/feeling or whatever as much as I can. Because I might not live long enough to seek my own happiness in my own way, or maybe because this feels even more real than my existential being on this plane. It's not easy to live with this gut feeling that I'm gonna die anytime soon.
I want to live as much as I can. I want to love as much as I can. And I want to be proud that I tried my best. You happen to be the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am forever grateful to Allah for your existence and for bringing you in my life.
I hope Allah won't punish me for loving you too much. I hope this love will continue to blossom and prosper, and I can get something positive out of it. As of right now, it brought me closer to Allah, more than ever.
I am a sinner, and I realized that I should be better.
Better for you? Maybe, one day.
For myself? Definitely.
5 damn years. Gosh. I never thought I have this much capacity to love someone before. I never thought I would be optimistic enough to love this intensely. You gave me strength and realization of the things I did that I never thought I could do in my life, ever.
Maybe those who read this might think, she didn't do anything. It was me all along, it was me that made me realize all those things. They might be right.
But think again, out of all the people I could love, I chose you. And it just happened that you came into my life without anyone expecting anything like that.
Maybe I need to learn to love you unconditionally. I need to try to love you in a way that's genuine and unreciprocated. Maybe that's the case here.
One day, I might not love you anymore. And you might never care, and it's okay. But this love is as real as it gets. And I am grateful that I was given the chance to ever cross paths with you.
I love you, Athena.
