Most of the time before she sleeps, she'd ask me not to leave her. I get that she might be insecure, or scared that she might lose me, so she wants the reassurance. And after everything that we went through, alone and together, it is kind of understandable that she would need some sometimes.
And I don't mind that, really. Reassurances are normal in relationships, verbal or in any other ways.
"Please don't leave me." she'd say. And it really made me think, you know?
I was never the one to leave people. I don't see them as responsibilities, I see them as subjects of love, or affection, or whatever good things they deserve, but I don't see them as a burden, or responsibility that much. I fought with my mom the other day about this, actually.
I've seen too much, how people neglect their responsibilities because it gets too heavy, or it is just simply easier to just let go of it. Reflecting this on my own self, I am quite the irresponsible person, actually. Most people who have dealt with me must have seen some unreliable parts of myself in positions or responsibilities that I have to bear. But as much as it is easy for me to leave things, I never left anyone. Not really.
Sometimes we grow apart, and that's natural, right? But actively leaving, well, I have only done that once. Twice, probably. And it really took a toll on myself. It hurts so much for me to leave people hanging, or it makes me anxious to know that I might be hurting them to some extent. This whole rant feels a tad bit hypocritical the more I type, because I guess taking care of people's feelings is also a given responsibility, isn't it?
But I don't know. Call it whatever, but it is too much of a word for me to speak, too heavy for me to address.
The point is, I used to say that I won't leave with utmost confidence before. Because come what may, I know myself, and I know for a fact that I won't ever leave the people I love. But recent events has made me doubt my words more than I ever thought I would. The fact that I left, and the fact that it was a calculated decision, and how I felt happy knowing that they are better off without me, changed something within me.
I used to believe it when I say that I won't leave, and don't get me wrong, I still do, but deep inside my heart, there is a distant fear that I don't know myself enough anymore to be sure.
