Semper Fidelis

Chapter 17.14

He voiced the question softly, painfully. The tears pooled at the corners of Hermione's eyes as she bit her bottom lip so hard that it drew blood. Her shoulders quaked as she tried to keep the sob inside.

"How could you just leave?"

Another question whispered with such anguish reached her ears. The tears fell and Hermione finally looked up. The sob left her lips when she saw Harry standing beside her bed, his knuckles white as it remained wrapped around the chair's back, his head bowed. His hair hid his face but she saw the droplets fall from behind them. He raised his face and she saw that he was crying. Tears fell from those green eyes and every droplet was like a stab in her heart.

"You didn't tell me you were pregnant," Harry whispered incredulously and angrily. His face was scrunched up in a fierce frown as if he didn't - couldn't - believe the words which left his lips. "You just left."  

She didn't know what to say because she was asking herself those same questions.

How could she do it?

How?

"Damn it, Hermione, answer me!" He erupted angrily. His eyes were ablaze with fury and intense anger. He had never yelled at her before and it shook her to her core.

"I'm sorry!" She gasped, her whole body shaking as she wept. "I'm sorry. I didn't know... I shouldn't have..."

Her brown curls tumbled forward framing her face as she bowed her head and cried.

He felt the anger control him and he couldn't stop the words as they came out. "You left without telling me we had a child. I have a son I didn't even know about," he cried in anguish. Harry felt his breath come out in gasps but he persisted. "You... you made a decision that wasn't your decision to make alone, Hermione. How could you just leave?"

"Because you didn't want me!" She gasped, her head jerking upwards and looking at him in the eyes. Her proclamation shocked him and he felt confused and disoriented.

"What could you possibly know about what I wanted?" He whispered dangerously.

Hermione held his gaze as she told him what broke her heart all those years ago. "I was going to tell you, Harry. After the battle," she said softly. She flinched when he narrowed his eyes. "But I saw you kissing Ginny and I just... I couldn't do it," she admitted brokenly. "Your whole life you had obligations to fulfill. I didn't want this to be another one of them."

It was good that he was holding onto the chair because Harry felt like he was going to collapse. Him? Kissing Ginny? He tried to wrack his brain for that moment and saw it vaguely in his mind. It was in the Quidditch pitch and they were walking together and talking about their future. Harry sensed Ginny wanted something more after the Defeat but he had come to tell her that they were probably best being friends. He hadn't told anyone else about what happened in the Forest of Dean with Hermione, but it had been on his mind for months and he felt himself falling deeper and deeper into his best friend.

And he and Ginny did kiss that day, but it was the redhead who initiated it. It was a parting gift, she said, before she walked away.

Fuck.

And the only reason he and Ginny even dated again was because he was so distraught about Hermione's disappearance that he found comfort in her.

Fuck.

But that relationship didn't last long either, since his thoughts were still so consumed with his best friend months after she had disappeared.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Harry felt his world spinning.

That stupid kiss was the catalyst.

"You should have talked to me," he voiced brokenly. "We could have spoken about it. I would have told you that..."

That it meant absolutely nothing because he was falling in love with her.

Fuck.

"I'm sorry," Hermione whimpered. "I didn't want to come in between you and Ginny-"

"There was no "Me and Ginny!"" Harry yelled, his voice hard. Hernione inhaled and stared at him, her eyes wide. He looked wild, frenzied. The whole mess was making sense in his mind and it made him so angry because it shouldn't have happened like this. "Damnit, Hermione, that kiss meant nothing. If you had spoken to me I would have told you that!" 

Her lips were parted in a gasp as she struggled to find the words to say. "But I saw... and before the hunt you and her were..." she gulped. "Everyone expected you two to be together-"

"None of that mattered because I was falling in love with you!" 

She gasped. She felt like someone had just punched her in the gut because every breath left her lungs as she stared at him with wide eyes. His words kept ringing in her ears and she couldn't quite make sense of them.  Even Harry looked shocked at what he had just said but he continued with so much volition.

"If you had come to me I would have told you..." he whispered bitterly. "But instead you left. You took away my choice, my say. You just left me behind, Hermione."

She was speechless. Her mind was spinning and she felt like she was going to be sick. Her head hurt, her eyes hurt, her heart hurt.

He was falling in love with her.

Harry was falling in love with her.

"And I missed out on raising my son," he whispered desperately. "That's eleven years he and I would never get back."

It was eleven years she and him would never get back either.

"I don't think I could ever forgive you for this," he said sullenly. He brought a shaking hand up to his face to wipe away his tears. "I'm so angry at you that it physically hurts," he admitted.

Her sobs had quieted down but the tears continued to fall.

"But I won't let this get in between James and I. I already love him so much and I will be in his life," Harry said resolutely. Hermione felt herself nodding for she knew that, too. She had no wish to come in between father and son. Not anymore.

"But for you and I," he whispered, his voice deadly silent. Her defeated eyes looked towards him and saw all of the pain, and anger, and bitterness. "There is no more "you and I". You mean nothing to me, Hermione."

His words seized her. She felt breathless as she felt her heart breaking inside her chest. Her head bowed for she wasn't able to look at those angry eyes anymore.

She heard his footsteps as he walked around the bed and towards the door. She heard the door creak. She heard the rustle of his robes. She heard the door slam shut behind him as he walked out of her room and out of her life.

Her head remained bowed as she cried. She asked herself over and over again how she could have made such a big mistake.

Harry didn't love Ginny.

Harry loved her.

She felt foolish and pitiful and Hermione cried at the anger she felt towards herself. All those years of running and hiding and heartbreak and pain were all for nought because she was completely wrong. 

She felt completely defeated for she knew he would never forgive her.

Hell, she didn't think she could forgive herself either.