Tinder - Jenlisa (English version)

25

Lisa POV

I am with Irene eating pizza. These pizzas here are very different from those in Korea. We've been talking for an hour about silly things and catching up on our lives.

IRENE: Do you remember Seulgi?

LISA: Your dance partner?

IRENE: Yes, that one. We've been together for three years.

LISA: Wow, really?

She and Seulgi went to dance classes together when we were teenagers and got on terribly. Every day she used to tell me stories about how annoying she was and how she wanted to get rid of her.

IRENE: Life takes a lot of twists and turns.

LISA: It seems so.

IRENE: How about you and your girl?

LISA: My girl?

IRENE: The girl on the plane, what a trip she gave me, you kept her happy.

LISA: Jennie's not my girl, she's my boss.

IRENE: Really? I thought she was jealous.

LISA: What? Not at all.

IRENE: I was convinced you two had something, she's totally your type.

LISA: She's my type, but we don't have anything. It's complicated.

IRENE: Complicated?

I sigh. I wish so much that I could talk about this with someone... I don't dare to talk to Jisoo. I know that if I wanted to I could, she's my best friend and she would listen to me and give me the best advice she could, but whenever I have to open up, it's always hard for me. We love each other a lot, we protect each other, we help each other, but we don't usually talk too much, I don't know why, I know we could. I guess our relationship is based on laughing at each other and that barrier makes it hard for me in the end.

Irene was my girlfriend, she was my first love. She knows me, I know she won't judge me. Even though we haven't spoken or seen each other for years, I know I could trust her. Maybe the fact that we haven't had contact with each other for so many years is what makes it so easy.

LISA: I've done a horrible thing.

I think I said it with more drama than I meant to because Irene looks at me with concern.

IRENE: What have you done?

LISA: I haven't told anyone, not even Jisoo.

IRENE: Lisa, you're scaring me. What have you done?

LISA: Well. Don't judge me, okay?

IRENE: Okay...

I told her everything I had been doing for weeks. How angry I was with Jennie, the fake profile I created for myself on Tinder, my Jeongyeon-Jennie conversations, how during those conversations I kept losing myself in my conflicting feelings for her and the point I was at now, completely crushing on Jennie and feeling like shit for lying to her. Irene watches me silently, thoughtfully, I don't need her to tell me how wrong what I've done is, I know it myself, I just want to be able to blurt it out, say it out loud, share it, get it off my chest, and maybe hear some advice on how to undo this mess.

IRENE: Oh my God, Lisa...

LISA: I know.

IRENE: She thinks she's in some kind of online relationship with a person who doesn't exist?

LISA: Yeah... I mean, it's not a relationship... relationship. We're not girlfriends or anything like that. We just talk like we are... I don't know. I don't know what to do.

IRENE: Do you really like her?

I look at her with bitterness, with guilt, with a stupid look on my face. And for the first time I answer this question out loud.

LISA: I like her. A lot.

IRENE: Do you think she likes you?

I smile with the sensation of having a knife stabbed in my chest.

LISA: No. I think she likes Jeongyeon.

IRENE: Why don't you tell her?

LISA: How am I going to tell her? I mean, yes, I'm going to tell her, but how? She's not only the girl I like, she's my boss.

IRENE: Yeah. It's complicated. I guess you should do things according to what you intend to do.

LISA: What do you mean?

IRENE: Well, if you want to have something with her, tell her. Because you'd have to be honest. But if you just wanted to have her as your boss, I'd delete the profile and pretend nothing had happened.

LISA: Whatever I do, I'm going to lose out.

IRENE: Maybe you will and maybe you won't, you won't know until you do.

LISA: If I tell her she's going to hate me. If I don't tell her but delete the profile I'll give up what we have.

Irene looks at me and smiles condescendingly, as if I'm a child who doesn't realise things.

IRENE: Lisa, you have nothing.

LISA: I know -I smile bitterly-, but I like to delude myself into thinking we're something. Even if it's not real, and it's not with me.

IRENE: But that's not fair to her.

LISA: But it's not just that. It's everything. I finally have a job that I love, of what I've studied, in an important company, doing what I like... I don't wanna lose it, it scares me. She's not only my boss, she's the owner's daughter.

IRENE: So...

LISA: I don't know. Actually, maybe I sound like an idiot, but if I have to choose, I'd rather lose my job than her.

IRENE: Well, you have to tell her.

LISA: I keep thinking about it, I think I'll tell her when we get back.

IRENE: Yes, as soon as possible.

We spend the rest of the dinner talking about nonsense. The subject of Jennie weighs me down too much and we try not to bring it up anymore. I like being with Irene. It's strange how the people who have been important in my life have been leaving it for one reason or another, and it's sad. But today here with her I feel that all the years we haven't seen each other didn't exist and the level of trust is still the same. So I find it sad but nice.

After dinner we went for a walk to the bar where we had arranged to meet Jennie. I wondered if she also had the same feeling with Jungkook as I had with Irene and I felt a kind of bitter envy in my chest.