Alter: Glitch

3

Everything is confusing me. 

Just like yesterday, I just stared at the ceiling. I can't help but to remember what happened before.

Because of curiousness, I wanted to try lucid dream. . . but it didn't ended well. I didn't know what I should, and shouldn't do.

I was just twelve at that time. I wanted to try it, not knowing the consequences. I didn't know that I can do it too. 

Hindi ko alam na kailangan ko ng paraan para magising ulit, hindi ko alam na kailangan kong mag-alarm. At first, it was going the way I want it too. . . until that happened.

I know it's just a dream. But the pain I felt, the feeling of despair, it feels so real. . . I was so scared.

I can't fully describe that thing in front of me. Ang tumatak lang sa isipan ko ay itim niyang malaking katawan, ang mata niyang kulay dugo, nanlilisik ang mga mata sa 'kin. It kept running after me.

I don't know how to escape, how to stop it. I can't wake up.

Hindi nagtagal ay naabutan niya rin ako. Isa lang 'yong panaginip, pero ang diin ng mga daliri niya na nakakapit sa leeg ko ay ramdam na ramdam ko, kumakalabog ang puso sa dibdib ko dahil sa sobrang takot.

I thought I was going to die.

Just when I thought everything is going to end, I heard something.

Something loud, yet soothing, something irritating, but also comforting.

Because of that sound, I was able to wake up. Mulat na mulat at namimilog ang mga mata ko. Mabigat ang paghinga ko at naliligo ako sa pawis. 

It was just a dream, but it felt so real.

I learned that I was asleep for 2 days. Pero sa panaginip ko, sobrang bilis ng pagtakbo ng oras.

Because of that, I started having nightmares. Paulit-ulit 'tong nangyari, sa puntong ayoko ng matulog.

Mulat mula pagkawala ng araw ang mga mata ko, hanggang sa umangat na ulit 'to at mag-umaga. I didn't want to sleep. I don't want to experience it again.

I suffered from insomnia because of it. Hindi na 'ko nakakatulog, o  makatulog. I was ruining my health, but I continued. Mas lamang ang takot ko kaysa sa pag-aalala ko sa katawan ko.

I don't want it to happen again. . . I'm scared that if it happens again, I won't be able to wake up.

My health dropped, so as my weight. I became anemic, my under eyes are black. I can't eat right, I can't do anything right.

My parents got worried and took me to the hospital. The doctor gave me sleeping pills, but I never took them. I don't even want to close my eyes for a second.

Because of that, they decided to take me to a psychologist, to check what's wrong with my mental health. I was diagnosed with insomnia due to a post traumatic stress disorder. They had me undergo therapy sessions and treatments.

Doon ako unti-unting gumaling. I slowly encouraged myself to sleep. That no one will get me. . . that it's all just a dream.

Kinailangan ng katawan ko ang tulog, kaya hindi ko na pinipigilan ang sarili kong makatulog.

Remembering all of that gives me an unsettling feeling. But I can say that I'm proud that I'm completely healed. . . I guess.

Nang ilang minuto na rin akong nakatulala sa kisame, nalipat ang tingin ko sa orasan para makita ang oras. Pero imbis na rito mapunta ang atensyon ko ay nalipat ito sa katabi nitong baso. Kumunot ang noo ko nang makitang wala itong laman na tubig.