Alter: Glitch

14

"Are you okay?"

It's a question I'm frequently asked before. I used to answer it as, yes, I am.

Because even though I say no, nothing will change. Even if they try to cheer me up, they won't be able to.

They can't help me. . .

Even I. . . can't help me. I. . . I'm just like this since, since forever. I don't even know why I exist.

No matter how hard I try to understand what's happening, to process it, nothing's changing. Mas lalo akong naguguluhan. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang realidad, kung ano pa ang panaginip, kung ano ang imahinasyon.

It's that day again, me staring at the ceiling of my room. My sickness is gone, I only have scars left at my fist. . . but yesterday— last night, it's not there.

I'm really. . . really losing my mind.

I don't know what to do today, I don't want to leave the house. 

I don't take a bath anymore, I don't want to see myself in the mirror. I don't even know if it's still me, or it's just a reflection of what I wanted to see.  I don't clean my room but for some reason, it's clean.

Just today. . . today I don't feel like doing anything at all. I just want to lie down, stare at the wall, and prevent myself from going to sleep.

"What's. . .  wrong with me?" Kusang lumabas sa bibig ko ang mga salitang 'yon.

"You're getting crazy."

Parang may boses sa utak ko ang sumagot sa tanong ko. Napailing ako sa sarili ko.

"N-No, I can't be-"

"Yes you are. You've always been one."

Lumalalim ang mga mata ko, parang padiin nang padiin ang pagkakadagan ko sa higaan. My thoughts are swallowing me as a whole.

I'm getting in a deep. . . deep hole, and the light is slowly disappearing.

"You're selfish."

"You're a hypocrite."

"You've always been insane."

Tinakpan ko ng unan ang mga tenga ko, nagbabakasakaling hindi ko na maririnig ang mga salitang paulit-ulit na bumubulong sa mga tenga ko. Pero hindi 'yon nagtagumpay, bagkus ay mas lalo silang lumakas.

Hindi ko kayang magbingi-bingihan kung sa utak ko mismo nanggagaling ang mga salita— kung ang sarili ko mismo ang kausap ko.

The words slowly gets louder and louder, at it became more worst. Parang umiikot ang mga salita sa akin, pinalilibutan ako.

"N-No, no, no-"

Dumiin ang pagkakalagay ko ng unan sa tenga ko. Mariin ko itong nilalapit sa tenga ko. Napabaluktot ako at mariin akong napapikit.

I. . . I can't do it anymore.

I should call Cerise for help. . .

I can't do this all my own.

May luhang tumakas sa mata kong mariin ang pagkakasara.

"I don't know what to do with my life. . ." aniko sa sarili.

Hindi na ako 'to.

Hindi na 'ko ang taong kilala ko. May nagbago. . . nagbago ang lahat. . . nagbago ako.

I didn't went outside for the day, I didn't saw nor talk to anyone. All I did was stare at the ceiling, eyes wide open— preventing myself from falling asleep.